[ It was the last place Naomi would have pictured them meeting again: Raleigh one of the faces among the many working on the wall, his skin sunburnt and rough while she wandered the grounds, sent out on this assignment as if in punishment for speaking her mind on a column that had criticized the U.N. for their lack of faith in the people who didn't have to put their lives on the line but did anyway.
The first time she noticed his face, she's going through the photos on her laptop, trying to see what she can use for a photo-essay, because no job is a punishment if she can find the right story to spin and if the result makes Gary stew at her gumption -- that's fine, she can leave, the other broadsheets want their hands on her anyway. She stops short because she knows that face, would know it anywhere even if the last photograph of Raleigh Becket dates back three years.
The second time she spots him, he's alone at the bar and she's trying to stretch her patience with his boss because she's prompted the same question for the third time in a row, but apparently wearing a button down boyfriend top doesn't leave her shapeless enough because she can tell where the jackass' thought are -- and they aren't in the head set on his shoulders.
( She's not sure if Raleigh sees her, but if he didn't she wouldn't be surprised. The other men aren't sure how to place him: the pilot without a mech, the washout who's not afraid to scale the heights of the wall.
He just sits, quietly nursing his scotch -- just one, before he leaves, quiet as a ghost. )
The third time doesn't come until weeks after, and she can hear the snide comments whispered over drinks. Leave it to Becket to do nothing and gain the girl's attention followed shortly by laughter and a jibe of Sweetheart, don't waste your breath with that one. The Jaeger Program spat him out for the loser that he is.
( Tomorrow, she swears, she's going to knee that one in the balls. )
She's not the seventeen-year-old who'd written her name on his palm. He's no longer the pilot he once was.
She's hoping none of that matters. That they can start fresh. ] Raleigh, right? [ As if she doesn't have a full dossier documenting his entire career. ] Hi.
[ working on the wall is hell. or rather, living without yancy is hell and the wall just makes it worse in some ways. the dull monotony of doing the same thing day after day after day may be getting to him a little. it was great at first. the job helped keep him from throwing himself into the ocean. but it's been a couple years since yancy died now and raleigh's learning to live with the hole in his head.
but life still sucks. he can't sleep. and when he does, he has nightmares more often than not. he's lost some weight, even though exercise has kept him in shape fairly well. the last time he smiled was the night yancy died. even though he hates thinking about the night of yancy's death, when he's up there working the wall, it's hard for his thoughts not to turn to everything he's lost. dad, mom, brother, sister, friends... some of those are his own fault, but their loss still stings.
every once in a while, he wonders if he should give tendo a call. there's a part of him that's desperate for some human contact that's not the guys who have no idea how to deal with him. but he always ends up talking himself out of it before he does.
he's probably depressed. the internet has given him enough of an insight for him to "diagnose" himself. it makes sense, really. but like hell is he going to go and talk to a therapist ( or anyone ) about all of this. none of them would get it, so what's the point?
even though raleigh sequesters himself away from all of his co-workers ( not entirely by choice, but he can't really complain ) it's hard for him to miss that there's a reporter hanging around and asking questions. he catches sight of her in the bar one night and thinks, she looks really familiar, but there's nothing more to it than that.
not until she comes up to him a few weeks later. then it clicks. ] Naomi? [ he's surprised, and it shows through his dirt tan. after a minute, he remembers his manners and shifts so he's actually facing her. ] Hey. Long time no see. [ she looks good. different, but good. ]
[ She hadn't expected him to remember her, but apparently he does and she nods to the seat beside him and offers a friendly smile. ] This seat taken? [ She knows the short answer is no, but it's the longer one that concerns her. Because no one sits with him, no one wants to or cares and it doesn't take a genius to get that it's partly because no matter what he does, he's not like common folk, and partly because it's easy for people to resent those who are different rather than simply accept them for who they are.
( She still remembers the way he'd looked: a year older and somehow more bright-eyed than she'd ever been his full attention on just her while his brother had listened in. When Yancy Becket had urged them to leave, to get back to base because they had class in the morning, she wasn't quite sure how she'd managed to keep her hands from shaking as she'd scrawled her number on Raleigh's palm. )
There's a low whistle from somewhere on the other side of the mostly empty bar, and her ears are sharp enough ( a reporter's skill ) to catch the half-laughed Jaeger fly, makes sense. She doesn't take offense at the term, instead, she wears it like a badge of honor, because her entire career has been built atop the foundation of her love for the PPDC and if people have a problem with that, they can go jump off a cliff. ]
I wasn't sure if it was you until the other week. But if you'd rather be left alone... [ she lets her voice trail, a hint of hope coloring her words as she rocks back on her heels just a little.
Oh, she'll back off if he asks her too. But for her part, it's great to see a friendly face, to know at least one person in this godforsaken patch at the end of the world who doesn't make her want to put a fist in their eye. ]
[ it would be hard to forget her after the fight he and yancy got into over her. they didn't really fight very often. bickering and giving each other shit was one thing, but really going at it was another. so when they did, it was memorable.
because of that, he almost says that he wants to be alone. but he's been lonely enough recently that he just waves at the empty seat next to him and says, ] It's yours if you want it.
[ there's no missing the whistle from the other side of the room. naomi seems either oblivious of unfazed by it though, so he's not exactly going to do much about it. the way he figures it, she's probably used to the comments by now. a lot of the guys working here aren't exactly the politest of folks. but work is work and he needs to survive. ]
There any reason in particular you want to talk to me? I'm not exactly good company. [ raleigh's not exactly one for small talk or any kind of talk anymore. if she's looking for something to add to her article, she's going to be sorely disappointed. ]
Still better company than [ the quip she had in mind was these sorry bums, but they're not really that. She sees enough how hard these people work even if it's tinged with resignation -- have to in order to eat as opposed to want to because it means something, because while their foreman spouts a whole lot of bull about them contributing to a worldwide effort to keep the kaiju at bay, she knows it's all propaganda; so she settles for taking the seat and just repeats: ] Still better company.
[ It's not often that Naomi finds herself at a loss for words, but tonight is apparently one of them, so she gestures to the barkeep and asks for a beer and while she holds out for about a minute of silence, she eventually caves: ] How are you?
[ She's genuinely curious. She'd heard about his brother, had spent a full thirty minutes crying on her bathroom floor and the rest of the day in a haze at school. She'd never told anyone about her tryst with Yancy, had kept it to herself like a dirty little secret after word had gotten around that the boys had all but been thrown out of the diner where she'd first met them.
The question feels... stupid though, about two seconds in. Because they're not friends, they're not really anything to each other and she finds herself grateful for the beer set in front of her. ] Sorry. You... don't have to answer that.
[ the question makes him look back down at his scotch, hunching in on himself a little. how is he? well, he's depressed. he's working a dead end job that he hates because it's the only way he can convince himself he's still helping ( even if he really doesn't think the wall is going to work ever ) while also getting to eat. he still wakes up screaming sometimes. you know, when he sleeps at all. and he's in a constant state of missing his brother. while he's not the only one to have lost family and he figures his loss isn't any greater than those other people who have had people they loved die because of the kaiju, there's something about grieving a co-pilot that's a little different. ]
Don't know that I could, even if I wanted to, [ he ends up saying. it's a bit of a cop-out answer, but it's the only one he's got that's not short or annoyed. because really. she's seen him. how does she think he's doing?
raleigh knocks back the rest of his scotch. that's probably an unfair thought. it's not like naomi really knew him way back when. they met once in a diner and flirted for all of five minutes and haven't seen each other in the flesh since. for all she knows, this is his natural state. ( except for the obvious way it isn't. )
and he really needs something else to think about. enough of his thoughts during the day are dedicated to yancy and raleigh's own current state of life. he doesn't need that when he's got potential conversation sitting right next to him too. ] You gonna be slumming it with the rest of us for much longer?
[ Naomi tips the bottle to her lips, careful not to look at him too long and instead settling for observing him out of the corner of her eye. He's so very different -- and not just from the last time they'd seen each other, because she'd tracked the Becket boys' career in the years after, the way a girl might a sports star crush, or a band that she'd seen before their rise to stardom.
There's a weight to Raleigh now, a heaviness in even the way he just sits or knocks back the drink that is worlds different from the boy who'd looked straight at her with a smile in his eyes and a good-natured quip on his lips as he told her all that he was allowed to say about training at Kodiak.
She breathes in, exhales: ] For as long as my editor needs me to be out of sight from "upper management," [ she frames those last two words in air-quotes before folding her arms over the counter to let out a quiet, if frustrated sigh. She shrugs and lools over. ] This is me on time-out, so to speak. The U.N. isn't very happy with me right now. [ Freedom of the press, her ass. ]
[ that surprises him a little. maybe it shouldn't, considering this is the girl who, despite not even being a legal adult at the time, decided it'd be fun to hit on a few jaeger pilot wannabes. she'd seemed to have confidence in spades when he met her. it makes sense that she'd still have that years later.
but it makes him pretty curious, too. it's an interesting feeling. raleigh honestly can't remember the last time he was actually interested in learning something he doesn't already know. ] What'd you do to piss the U.N. off?
[ that seems like a pretty hefty thing for a girl who's, what? twenty-two? twenty-three at the most? ]
[ She'll be twenty-three in October, actually but that's still a few months away. But age has nothing to do with what a body can and cannot do, and that's something Raleigh should know -- he was a jaeger pilot and saving the world at what, nineteen?
When he asks, the look that crosses her face is one of surprise, because she's been here a couple of weeks but no one's asked why, no one's cared to know her story because when people think of reporters, they see a camera and a list of questions from her to whoever, not a person with a story of their own.
Naomi takes breath and deadpans: ] Accuse them of sanctioning grave robbery.
[ Because wasn't what Oblivion Bay was? A grave site as legitimate as the PPDC memorial grounds that she one day hopes to visit in Hawaii. ]
[ this conversation is just full of firsts. because for the first time in a long time, raleigh feels something more than the dull, muted numbness that follows him around everywhere. the confusion and surprise he's been feeling give way to a small smile tugging at his lips. it's not much, and it's nothing compared to the thousand watt grins he used to toss around. but it's definitely a smile.
it's not even that it's funny. it's just--no one else here gets it. no one else understands that jaegers aren't just hunks of metal that you can mine for another project. they're machines, yeah, but they're so much more than that too. and so raleigh's grateful that there's someone else around who can understand.
and he's maybe thinking that she's even more attractive now than the last time he saw her in person. which is really something he didn't expect to think. it's not like he hasn't thought that people are attractive in years. he's had a hook-up or two since knifehead. it's a decent way to get out of his head for a little bit of time. but it's not exactly been a priority, and out on the wall there's not exactly that many women working the long, dangerous shifts. he hasn't had much opportunity to think things like that recently.
raleigh looks over his shoulder at the people not so surreptitiously staring at them, and then back at naomi. ] You want to go somewhere we won't have a bunch of assholes trying to listen in on us?
[ The invite surprises her just as much as the ghost of a smile that he sends her way. ]
They're going to think we hooked up. [ The observation is matter-of-fact. She's already been tagged with jaeger fly, it's common enough knowledge that he's a former pilot, and no one knows about their shared history. ] You okay with people thinking that?
[ She's been called worse, and after a while, names just slide off her like water on a duck's back. The fact that they think she's just another pilot groupie actually works to her advantage.
But Raleigh works here. Works with these people, and is probably stuck with them until the Wall is finished and when the kaiju stop coming. So the remark is of concern, for him. ]
[ they go at it like the teenagers they no longer are, raleigh's confidence growing with each touch and kiss. he's a talker and she's so expressive in her reactions whenever he does something that she clearly likes.
at some point the memories seep in, but the earlier apprehension is gone and naomi watches raleigh as he lifts things from a night years and years ago but not without making the moment his ( hers. theirs. )
she's not even going to be shy about it: it is the single, most glorious evening of her entire sex life. when they finally fall asleep, it is also the most peaceful six hours she's ever had since she left high school for university and uni for the workforce.
its nearly noon when she wakes up, curled up beside raleigh with a blanket pulled over their heads. she's never seen him sleep, always woke to find him gone in the handful of times he'd come over to visit or drink because each other's company was worlds preferable to the people at the local dives.
he looks young, she thinks. younger than he does when he's awake, when his eyes scan the area with a certain amount of reservation. the way he's sleeping doesn't help, arms folded to pillow his head, stomach flat against the mattress.
naomi scoots over a little then, presses a soft kiss against the curve of muscle on his arm, one hand smoothing the hair on his forehead. ]
[ real life isn't like the stories. he doesn't wake at her touch with a soft smile, free of eye crusties and morning breath. in fact, he doesn't wake at all. his body has decided to take advantage of his exhaustion and the loose-limbed feelings from the night before and let him crash hard for the first time in a while. waking him is going to take more than a soft kiss and fingers in his hair.
though he does unconsciously lean into the touch a little bit. it's a familiar one, even if naomi was never the one to do it in the past. none of that really sinks down into his sleeping mind though. he's just out like a light for now. ]
[ She knows how stupid it is to feel the way she does because after a year together and him insisting to Stacker Pentecost that she was coming with him to the Shatterdome or he wasn't going at all she should feel secure.
She doesn't feel secure. She feels like someone's pulled the rug out from under her and she's smart enough to know that this is slowly killing her, watching him come back as if from the dead, glimmers of the boy she met once from well before Knifehead coming out each day because there's an anchor for him there in Mako Mori that he's been looking for for so long. And Naomi should be happy for that -- she is happy for that. But she's just not that good a person at the end of the day to stay.
Because being happy for him doesn't make her feel any less obsolete.
So she's packing her things ( Raleigh is off with Mako, either in the Kwoon or in Gipsy's hangar ) because there's a chopper up on the heli-deck that's flying back to the mainland. Naomi figures she can just work her way around how to get back stateside once she's put enough distance between her and Raleigh. ]
[ it's hard to let naomi in at first. raleigh's gotten so used to being on his own and he's so scared of having something again only to lose it ( like dad, like mom, like jazmine, like yancy ) that it takes a concentrated effort to let her in. but he does. and it's the happiest he's been in years.
he's still depressed. there's still a hole in his head that he can never quite get his thoughts off of for long. but he smiles. he even laughs quietly when he's with her. it may not seem like much, but it is. it really, really is.
and then they go to hong kong and he meets mako and it's like everything changes. they're drift compatible and it makes the noise in his head quiet down in a way naomi can't. it's a relationship he's been craving for years. but it's also different enough that he doesn't feel like he's replacing yancy. they don't need words to communicate after they drift together, and that's something he's really missed. the way he can look at naomi, then glance at mako and see the expression on her face saying you've got it bad.
which is why it feels like a punch to the gut when he goes to naomi's room and sees that she's packing. ] What are you doing?
[ she nearly jumps out of her skin at his voice, and even if she doesn't, her blood's still pounding in her ears and there's a jackhammer in her chest and just... she leans forward, hands braced on the bag she'd gotten from tendo, who'd quirked a brow in curiosity but still handed it over.
she tries to make her mouth work, to push the words out what am i doing? i'm packing. why am i packing? because i need to go. i need to get out of here, because if i stay i can't guarantee you'll like the person you'll see.
but the words don't come and naomi just... sits down, and buries her face in her hands because shit. ]
[ oh god. she's packing and she looks distressed. that can really only mean one thing and raleigh really doesn't like what that one thing is. ] Are you leaving? [ the "me" on the end of that hoarse question is silent, but it's running through his head. he's not sure he could handle her leaving, in all honesty.
raleigh moves to kneel down in front of her, hands resting lightly on her knees. if he didn't think it would get a bad reaction out of her, he'd try to pull her hands away from her face so he can see her. ] Naomi, babe. Talk to me.
[ he needs her to say something. anything. even if it's going to break his heart to itty bitty pieces, he needs to hear her say it. and he needs to know why this is happening. ]
[ raleigh doesn't have to include the "me" for her to know that he's thinking it, and the reminder of what that means to him -- her going, and the way she'd wanted to, without so much of a goodbye, it...
it wrecks her.
naomi lifts her face from her hands and she just looks at him, tears leaking from the corners of her eyes that she wipes at furiously with one palm because her free hand is now curled and white-knuckled over one of his.
she tries to speak, only to find her voice stuck in her throat because how the hell is she supposed to explain herself? what words are there to tell him that she's frightened that she's lost whatever place she had at his side -- that she wonders if she had it to begin with.
( she'd stood with the rest of the crowd at the kwoon, had felt the hum of excitement as each candidate stepped up to pit themselves against raleigh becket, their voices hushed with an awe that was leagues ahead of any hero-worship she'd ever heard from other jaeger flys. and while she had no context by which to hold it against, she could see how magnificent he'd looked, winning round after round.
and then the tempo of things changed. and something had crawled under her skin when she'd heard him call out mako for the way she was reacting; a thing she'd missed since she'd been so focused on watching him move.
don't look too distressed, doll. one of the rangers -- that australian boy -- had murmured, suddenly beside her, his eyes never once leaving the exchange of blows on the mat. you're a civilian, accept that a lot of this is going to fly over your pretty head.
he'd spared her one glance then, just one. and the weight in his eyes had shaken her. becket was wrong to bring you here. and if there was sympathy, she just knew she didn't want it. didn't need it. wouldn't accept it.
and by the time stacker pentecost yelled out enough, her fingers had curled into fists, her stomach plummetting when raleigh's voice called out she's my copilot like the closing of a door. )
she draws away from raleigh then, her arms coming around her because she feels like she's about to shatter apart. because she's a reporter, she doesn't belong here, just as raleigh hadn't belonged on that goddamned wall. ]
I have to go. [ she says softly, the simple phrase hinting at an undercurrent of grief that she's not sure she has any right to feel.
what business was is of hers to think that they stood on even ground? how could she have thought that she could possibly keep up when he could step into a jaeger and battle an incoming storm, while all she had were silly words and platitudes fed by the media machine.
she comes to her feet and turns her face away because it hurts to look at him. ]
[ it's like every fear he's ever had since naomi came back into his life is coming true. without really realizing it, raleigh somehow ends up sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, staring into space. he doesn't know how to process it. his mind just keeps repeating i have to go over and over again in his head.
she's leaving him. he's losing her. she's leaving him like everyone else has left. like dad and mom and jaz and yancy and everyone else. he doesn't realize that his hands are trembling until he looks down at them. doesn't realize he's not breathing quite right until he sucks in a shaky breath so he can croak out the one question at the forefront of his mind. ]
[ he's... he's not supposed to react like that, she thinks as she all but wrings her hands. he's not supposed to look like he needs her. because he doesn't. not when everything's falling into place the way it should for him.
naomi slumps back into the bed, shoulders hunched and eyes closing as she whispers: ] I don't belong here, Raleigh.
[ she hangs her head. ] I... I don't belong with you. [ a broken off whisper. ]
[ it's not an angry retort. though it could be, if raleigh weren't so consumed by the idea that he could have yet another person he loves walk out on him. funny how someone who loves to be alone hates people leaving. that's ironic, right?
raleigh swallows hard and clenches his fists around the fabric of his pants, right by his knees. ] You're the best thing to happen to me since-- [ even with mako soothing some of the raging emptiness in his head, it's hard for raleigh spit it out. ] Since Yancy. You're all I've got.
[ all he's got that he didn't get through a drift. mako's important to him now. he's seen bits and pieces of her life and knows the way she thinks. but he doesn't--they're still going to have to figure each other out when all this is over. things with naomi are familiar, and warm, and settled. which is why this is so confusing and devastating.
how can she not belong with him if she's so much a part of him that her leaving feels like a chunk of himself will be missing? ]
[ naomi's never thought of herself as the selfish type. hungry, yes, for the world, for truth -- but that's different from selfishness.
but she's afraid that it's selfishness that tugs at her now, when she looks at him and feels like he is slipping from her fingers quicker than sand. there's a part of her that thinks: what if they never left the wall, what if she hadn't fought him over the hesitation to stay or go, hadn't taken his face between her palms and reminded him that no matter how far he thought he'd fallen, he had always been a hero. ]
You have all of this, [ she gestures up and around, but she means more than the room -- she means the corps, all those people who look at him and know all too well the depth of his legacy. who see what she did when others did not.
these are difficult things to say, but she says them anyway because if nothing else, they've always had honesty between them. ] You have Gipsy, and you have Mako and I have no place in that.
[ it hits her then, like a truck going at full speed on a highway: she is in love with raleigh becket. has been, since that first night they'd fallen into each other in her bed, perhaps further back when they'd reconnected as hesitant friends.
she breathes out a soft Oh God, and leans over, a hand covering her mouth. ]
[ it takes him a little while to figure out why the taste of her is familiar. in fact, it's not until they lose their clothes and tumble into bed that it clicks for him. he circles her clit with his thumb and the noise she makes--it sends him back. suddenly it's not the middle of autumn, it's late spring and the air is thick with humidity and the smell of gasoline. the leather seats creak beneath him as he moves above her.
like all thoughts of yancy these days, the memory makes the never-closed wound in his chest ache even as he pulls on all his ranger training to shove the memory away. psychosexual embarrassment was something he'd had to learn to get over in the drift. it's something he can get over now. he just... needs to do things differently.
raleigh presses an open-mouthed kiss to naomi's sternum before his lips find hers again. he bites gently at her lower lip as he slips two fingers into her and presses them against her just so. he knows where the knowledge came from, but he doesn't think about it. doesn't look at her the way--he listens. sounds have always done more for him anyway. ( this is like the elephant. tell someone not to think about an elephant and that's suddenly all they can think about. which doesn't really bode well for him getting laid unless he changes things up soon. ) ]
[ they've been dancing around each other for weeks.
they're an odd team now, raleigh and her, and she suspects it happened even before he decided to play knight in not-so-shining armor, coming to her unlikely rescue when one of the workers had gotten partcularly drunk they were too impaired to take a girl's "no," seriously. raleigh had helped distract the guy, naomi had kneed said guy in the balls and they'd high-tailed it out of the bar to the small studio apartment she was renting where he'd asked her if she was alright and she'd offered to patch up the cut above his brow where the guy's watch had nicked him.
she'd offered him the couch but he'd declined, opting instead to stay and talk a little more until she nodded off. and when she'd woken the next day, she wasn't surprised to find him gone.
they're on the steps to her apartment when he remarks on her cigarettes for the first time. naomi's observant ( she's had to be, given her line of work ) so she's always noted the way raleigh looks like he's got something to say about her one vice.
those'll kill you, you know. but he says it without heat, a mere statement of fact as he runs his fingers through his damp hair. it had taken some convincing but her shower is at his disposal now, whenever he feels he needs it.
everybody dies eventually, she responds, tossing him a sad smile. tried kicking the habit. the patch is weird and gum does nothing for the oral fixation. if there were e-cigs still on the market it'd probably do the trick, but i'm not spending an arm and a leg for that.
is that why you smoke? to keep your mouth occupied? it was a joke, but she'd already been thinking about his mouth, a mix of nostalgia mingling with the growing attraction for the quiet, if somber man who was a direct contrast to the bright-eyed, talkative boy from her youth.
she doesn't wait for the bubble of tension to break on it's own, takes the needle herself and pops it wide open, her mouth pressed to his, the taste of cloves and ash on her tongue.
and then they're in her bed, her fingers curling over his bicep as he pushes into her heat, their mouths a perfect fit against against other. ] Raleigh--
[ she hasn't had anyone touch her like this in years. can't trust other people in her field further than she can talk to them, not interested in others who didn't care enough about the war.
but raleigh touches her like he knows exactly what she likes, like this isn't the first time. ]
[ she sighs his name and it just adds to the dissonance in his head. he wonders if this is normal. if there are other pilots who have been caught in a situation like one their co-pilot had, and then had trouble rooting themselves to the present instead of slipping into the bits of someone not them that was left in their head after the drift.
his lips leave hers and he kisses her collarbone as his thumb traces another circle around her clit. a moment later, he realizes that's exactly what yancy had done to her in that truck and--he can't do this. not like this.
the way he presses his mouth to her chest as he slips his fingers out of her is almost apologetic. raleigh can't quite look at her as he backs away and sits on the edge of the bed, his right hand covering his face. ] Shit. Naomi, I'm sorry, I-- [ god, how does he even explain the fact that he can't even have sex with her because his dead brother is still in his head at the worst of times? ]
[ he slides his fingers out of her and pulls away, and she mistakes it for shyness, for him feeling unsure because they're friends and even if they've been that for a little less than three months, she knows already he's not the kind of guy to just sleep around.
she reaches for him then, pushes up from the bed to slip her arms around his bare torso, her lips pressing soft kisses along the pattern of scars that mark his skin.
when her lips track a path up to right behind his ear, her hand skims over his stomach, courage taking hold. ] I want you. [ her voice is thick with emotion. ] But if you don't want this, I'll get dressed right now.
[ there's no question as to what he's going to say to that. especially not when he can tell just how invested in this she is. he turns so he can brush his fingers across her cheekbones and kiss her softly. ] I want this. [ another chaste kiss. ] But--
[ but he needs to explain. needs her to understand why his brain is stuttering to a stop and he can't even begin to fathom how he can talk about it. about yancy. he never, ever talks about yancy. it hurts too much.
raleigh rests his forehead against naomi's collarbone and swallows hard. forces himself to keep talking, voice rough and low. it's harder than he thought it would be. both to talk about this and to talk about his brother period. ]
When you Drift with someone, there's no secrets between you. It's impossible for there to be. You're not two people in a machine, you become one person with the Jaeger acting as your body. You feel every hit she takes, and you experience everything your co-pilot does as if it was happening to you. [ he squeezes his eyes shut and tries to shove down the nerves that are making him feel a little queasy. people who aren't in the ppdc just don't get pilots. he can't even begin to count how many people he and yancy had freaked out with their hangovers, and that's not even close to what he's about to say. ] That night. In the truck. I remember it.
[ he kisses her back so sweetly it leaves her craving more. raleigh is gentle, careful, it's almost enough to make her chase after him.
when he presses his forehead close to her shoulder, naomi brings her arms around him in a steadying embrace. he's shivering, she thinks, and the roughness in his voice prompts her to run her fingers through his hair.
the moment he speaks she listens. she can feel the tension along the line of his shoulders as he tells her about the drift, about things she's read about but never anything in-depth because the ppdc keep their secrets well-guarded. she knows about the mind-meld, about the circuitry suits and how they assist in speeding up reaction times when pilots find themselves one with the machine--
--but she hadn't considered what he's telling her now. because for a moment she finds herself wondering what he means by that night; in the truck, and when it dawns she goes still.
yancy. their little tryst because raleigh never called her back, because it was flattering for a twenty-one year old to show interest in a high school senior. they tell you that you never forget your first time, and yancy becket had made for a memorable first: experienced, attentive, generous with giving her pleasue as much as he had been taking his.
and she can... she can see how this just got complicated. because the ghost of his brother is literally between them.
she pulls back a little and tips raleigh's chin up then. ] Just answer me this: Is it because Yancy wanted me then or because you want me now that we're here in my bed?
[ it's a valid question. and he doesn't mean to belittle it, but he can't help the ghost of a smile that crosses his face. ]
We're here because I want you now. [ raleigh rests his hand on her thigh and lets his fingers lightly trace patterns on the inside of it. ]
I wanted you back then, too. [ which begs the question of whether yancy wanted her because of raleigh or not. but yancy is dead and he's taken the answer to that question to the grave with him. ] We fought about it, you know. Him sleeping with you. It nearly got us kicked out of the program. [ because if you can't be in balance with you co-pilot, you're shit out of luck. there may have been rules and regulations about brawling with your fellow cadets, but everyone knew that was the crux of the issue.
he leans in and rests his forehead against hers, rolling his thoughts over and over in his head while he tries to figure out if there's really anything he needs to get out while they're having this little confessional. all he can come up with is: ] I'm sorry I saw what I did how I did. [ it was an invasion of her privacy, really. ]
[ he apologizes and if she had been less of the woman she was now and more of the girl she had been, naomi would probably be embarrassed. she still is, but not for something that, based solely on what he's telling her, was something he clearly had no control over.
she pushes raleigh down against the sheets as she straddles his hips, mouth meeting his as her fingers run through his hair. ]
I heard about the fight. [ she kisses him deeply, an apology of her own, because sure yancy had wanted her but she could have said no; she could have walked away and not let her wounded pride get the best of her. ] It's why I left for college as soon as I could. It's why I moved.
[ she comes up for a breath and hides her face in his chest. ] I'm sorry if I almost ruined it for you both.
[ and she offers up an awful confession of her own: ] I... I wanted him to be you.
[ she pushes him down and he goes willingly, thoroughly enjoying the way her mouth moves against his. this... this is different enough from his second-hand memories that he doesn't get all tangled up in them again. and when she keeps talking against this mouth, that helps too. ]
Don't be. It wasn't just about you. [ a lot of it was. and she was the spark that ignited the whole thing. but there's no denying the fact that there was some shit raleigh and yancy needed to work out before they could really drift together.
the breath goes out of him when she says i wanted him to be you. not for the first time since he's started getting to know naomi he things, i really should have called her. but what happened, happened. the important thing now is he's in her bed, she's on top of him, and he really wants her. so he runs his fingers down his spine and kisses the top of her head. ] You've got me now. [ he tilts her chin up a little so he can look her in the eye. there's that ghost of a smile again. ] Got any idea on what you're going to do with me?
[ questions like that are better answered with action, so naomi leans in, fits her mouth against his again because the shape of it against her lips is something she likes and the taste of him on her tongue is something she could get used to having for a very long time. she rests her forearms on either side of his head for balance, fingers playing with his hair as she explores his mouth.
she's not seventeen anymore, she's had other men, has explored her own body in a way to figure out the things she likes, the things she doesn't. when she breaks the kiss, she presses her mouth to the pulse at his neck, one hand reaching down between them to stroke the length of him.
years ago, in that truck with yancy becket, she hadn't known what she wanted other than that she wanted to badly to be touched. she'd been shy and uncertain, following the older boy's lead as he put mouth and hands and the rest of him to good use.
there's no room for shyness now, not when naomi skims palms over skin, raleigh's name murmured between her lips. they're not kids the way they used to be. she's not a starstruck teen, and he's seen more than most people should ever have to live through. ]
Stay the night. Please. [ she whispers the words against his mouth, body flush against his. ]
[ her touch is like electricity. it's like being in a drivesuit again and feeling the current zing along the circuitry suit. it's a heady feeling. intoxicating the way really good alcohol is. it's warm and easy and the taste of her in his mouth is better than anything else he's ever had.
she asks him to stay the night and there's really only one response to that. ] Yes. [ yes, he'll stay the night. yes, he'll stay with her in her bed and hold her until she wakes, even if insomnia hits him again. yes, he'll probably do whatever she asks of him.
not just because he likes the way she feels when they're like this. but because she's quite literally the best thing to happen to him in years. naomi is the silver lining to the dark cloud that seems to swallow his life now. she makes him feel like maybe there's still something worth living for other than the knowledge that yancy wanted him to. it's likely that he'll never be able to put into words just how much she's done for him. depression is still a near-constant companion and he still gets in his funks but, well.
moments like these are things he didn't think he'd really have again. real emotional connections with people are things he thought he'd given up. and raleigh's never been more happy to be proven wrong. ]
[ he tells her yes, and something inside of her clicks like a key opening a lock. naomi brings their foreheads together then, a small smile playing on her lips as she draws his arms around her. ] Touch me, please.
[ one hand comes up to trace fingers along the line of his jaw, hesitant and tender. because raleigh moves like a ghost might: quiet, watchful, always on the fringes, but on occasion there is a spark of life behind his sad eyes and naomi watches out for that the way she might the embers of a banked fire. ]
I'm with you, [ she whispers, shaken to the core by the realization of the depth of her feelings for him. ] I'm with you now. I don't know how the memories work, but we're both here. This isn't Kodiak and I'm not seventeen or with your brother. I'm with you, Raleigh. I'm right here.
[ tonight, there is light in his eyes. it flickers, but never wavers, when he brushes fingers along her jawline, her collarbone, down the length of her spine. they're soft, almost hesitant touches. not because he's scared. no, that won't happen until he realizes just how much he cares about her. rather, it's because he wants to make this last, to keep this memory preserved in his head forever.
( one day, short years from now, he will drift with a girl with blue-tipped hair. she'll see flashes of this night in the drift and after will look at him thoughtfully. when he asks her to verbalize what she's thinking, she says you both are beautiful, and he knows she means more than physically. )
raleigh tilts his head and catches her lips with his. ] I don't think I could be more in the here and now if I tried. [ which is saying something, considering how often he gets lost in memories of yancy when the moments are quiet. ]
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loccent2013-10-08 09:58 pm
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[ It was the last place Naomi would have pictured them meeting again: Raleigh one of the faces among the many working on the wall, his skin sunburnt and rough while she wandered the grounds, sent out on this assignment as if in punishment for speaking her mind on a column that had criticized the U.N. for their lack of faith in the people who didn't have to put their lives on the line but did anyway.
The first time she noticed his face, she's going through the photos on her laptop, trying to see what she can use for a photo-essay, because no job is a punishment if she can find the right story to spin and if the result makes Gary stew at her gumption -- that's fine, she can leave, the other broadsheets want their hands on her anyway. She stops short because she knows that face, would know it anywhere even if the last photograph of Raleigh Becket dates back three years.
The second time she spots him, he's alone at the bar and she's trying to stretch her patience with his boss because she's prompted the same question for the third time in a row, but apparently wearing a button down boyfriend top doesn't leave her shapeless enough because she can tell where the jackass' thought are -- and they aren't in the head set on his shoulders.
( She's not sure if Raleigh sees her, but if he didn't she wouldn't be surprised. The other men aren't sure how to place him: the pilot without a mech, the washout who's not afraid to scale the heights of the wall.
He just sits, quietly nursing his scotch -- just one, before he leaves, quiet as a ghost. )
The third time doesn't come until weeks after, and she can hear the snide comments whispered over drinks. Leave it to Becket to do nothing and gain the girl's attention followed shortly by laughter and a jibe of Sweetheart, don't waste your breath with that one. The Jaeger Program spat him out for the loser that he is.
( Tomorrow, she swears, she's going to knee that one in the balls. )
She's not the seventeen-year-old who'd written her name on his palm. He's no longer the pilot he once was.
She's hoping none of that matters. That they can start fresh. ] Raleigh, right? [ As if she doesn't have a full dossier documenting his entire career. ] Hi.
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but life still sucks. he can't sleep. and when he does, he has nightmares more often than not. he's lost some weight, even though exercise has kept him in shape fairly well. the last time he smiled was the night yancy died. even though he hates thinking about the night of yancy's death, when he's up there working the wall, it's hard for his thoughts not to turn to everything he's lost. dad, mom, brother, sister, friends... some of those are his own fault, but their loss still stings.
every once in a while, he wonders if he should give tendo a call. there's a part of him that's desperate for some human contact that's not the guys who have no idea how to deal with him. but he always ends up talking himself out of it before he does.
he's probably depressed. the internet has given him enough of an insight for him to "diagnose" himself. it makes sense, really. but like hell is he going to go and talk to a therapist ( or anyone ) about all of this. none of them would get it, so what's the point?
even though raleigh sequesters himself away from all of his co-workers ( not entirely by choice, but he can't really complain ) it's hard for him to miss that there's a reporter hanging around and asking questions. he catches sight of her in the bar one night and thinks, she looks really familiar, but there's nothing more to it than that.
not until she comes up to him a few weeks later. then it clicks. ] Naomi? [ he's surprised, and it shows through his dirt tan. after a minute, he remembers his manners and shifts so he's actually facing her. ] Hey. Long time no see. [ she looks good. different, but good. ]
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( She still remembers the way he'd looked: a year older and somehow more bright-eyed than she'd ever been his full attention on just her while his brother had listened in. When Yancy Becket had urged them to leave, to get back to base because they had class in the morning, she wasn't quite sure how she'd managed to keep her hands from shaking as she'd scrawled her number on Raleigh's palm. )
There's a low whistle from somewhere on the other side of the mostly empty bar, and her ears are sharp enough ( a reporter's skill ) to catch the half-laughed Jaeger fly, makes sense. She doesn't take offense at the term, instead, she wears it like a badge of honor, because her entire career has been built atop the foundation of her love for the PPDC and if people have a problem with that, they can go jump off a cliff. ]
I wasn't sure if it was you until the other week. But if you'd rather be left alone... [ she lets her voice trail, a hint of hope coloring her words as she rocks back on her heels just a little.
Oh, she'll back off if he asks her too. But for her part, it's great to see a friendly face, to know at least one person in this godforsaken patch at the end of the world who doesn't make her want to put a fist in their eye. ]
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because of that, he almost says that he wants to be alone. but he's been lonely enough recently that he just waves at the empty seat next to him and says, ] It's yours if you want it.
[ there's no missing the whistle from the other side of the room. naomi seems either oblivious of unfazed by it though, so he's not exactly going to do much about it. the way he figures it, she's probably used to the comments by now. a lot of the guys working here aren't exactly the politest of folks. but work is work and he needs to survive. ]
There any reason in particular you want to talk to me? I'm not exactly good company. [ raleigh's not exactly one for small talk or any kind of talk anymore. if she's looking for something to add to her article, she's going to be sorely disappointed. ]
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[ It's not often that Naomi finds herself at a loss for words, but tonight is apparently one of them, so she gestures to the barkeep and asks for a beer and while she holds out for about a minute of silence, she eventually caves: ] How are you?
[ She's genuinely curious. She'd heard about his brother, had spent a full thirty minutes crying on her bathroom floor and the rest of the day in a haze at school. She'd never told anyone about her tryst with Yancy, had kept it to herself like a dirty little secret after word had gotten around that the boys had all but been thrown out of the diner where she'd first met them.
The question feels... stupid though, about two seconds in. Because they're not friends, they're not really anything to each other and she finds herself grateful for the beer set in front of her. ] Sorry. You... don't have to answer that.
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Don't know that I could, even if I wanted to, [ he ends up saying. it's a bit of a cop-out answer, but it's the only one he's got that's not short or annoyed. because really. she's seen him. how does she think he's doing?
raleigh knocks back the rest of his scotch. that's probably an unfair thought. it's not like naomi really knew him way back when. they met once in a diner and flirted for all of five minutes and haven't seen each other in the flesh since. for all she knows, this is his natural state. ( except for the obvious way it isn't. )
and he really needs something else to think about. enough of his thoughts during the day are dedicated to yancy and raleigh's own current state of life. he doesn't need that when he's got potential conversation sitting right next to him too. ] You gonna be slumming it with the rest of us for much longer?
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There's a weight to Raleigh now, a heaviness in even the way he just sits or knocks back the drink that is worlds different from the boy who'd looked straight at her with a smile in his eyes and a good-natured quip on his lips as he told her all that he was allowed to say about training at Kodiak.
She breathes in, exhales: ] For as long as my editor needs me to be out of sight from "upper management," [ she frames those last two words in air-quotes before folding her arms over the counter to let out a quiet, if frustrated sigh. She shrugs and lools over. ] This is me on time-out, so to speak. The U.N. isn't very happy with me right now. [ Freedom of the press, her ass. ]
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but it makes him pretty curious, too. it's an interesting feeling. raleigh honestly can't remember the last time he was actually interested in learning something he doesn't already know. ] What'd you do to piss the U.N. off?
[ that seems like a pretty hefty thing for a girl who's, what? twenty-two? twenty-three at the most? ]
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When he asks, the look that crosses her face is one of surprise, because she's been here a couple of weeks but no one's asked why, no one's cared to know her story because when people think of reporters, they see a camera and a list of questions from her to whoever, not a person with a story of their own.
Naomi takes breath and deadpans: ] Accuse them of sanctioning grave robbery.
[ Because wasn't what Oblivion Bay was? A grave site as legitimate as the PPDC memorial grounds that she one day hopes to visit in Hawaii. ]
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it's not even that it's funny. it's just--no one else here gets it. no one else understands that jaegers aren't just hunks of metal that you can mine for another project. they're machines, yeah, but they're so much more than that too. and so raleigh's grateful that there's someone else around who can understand.
and he's maybe thinking that she's even more attractive now than the last time he saw her in person. which is really something he didn't expect to think. it's not like he hasn't thought that people are attractive in years. he's had a hook-up or two since knifehead. it's a decent way to get out of his head for a little bit of time. but it's not exactly been a priority, and out on the wall there's not exactly that many women working the long, dangerous shifts. he hasn't had much opportunity to think things like that recently.
raleigh looks over his shoulder at the people not so surreptitiously staring at them, and then back at naomi. ] You want to go somewhere we won't have a bunch of assholes trying to listen in on us?
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They're going to think we hooked up. [ The observation is matter-of-fact. She's already been tagged with jaeger fly, it's common enough knowledge that he's a former pilot, and no one knows about their shared history. ] You okay with people thinking that?
[ She's been called worse, and after a while, names just slide off her like water on a duck's back. The fact that they think she's just another pilot groupie actually works to her advantage.
But Raleigh works here. Works with these people, and is probably stuck with them until the Wall is finished and when the kaiju stop coming. So the remark is of concern, for him. ]
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at some point the memories seep in, but the earlier apprehension is gone and naomi watches raleigh as he lifts things from a night years and years ago but not without making the moment his ( hers. theirs. )
she's not even going to be shy about it: it is the single, most glorious evening of her entire sex life. when they finally fall asleep, it is also the most peaceful six hours she's ever had since she left high school for university and uni for the workforce.
its nearly noon when she wakes up, curled up beside raleigh with a blanket pulled over their heads. she's never seen him sleep, always woke to find him gone in the handful of times he'd come over to visit or drink because each other's company was worlds preferable to the people at the local dives.
he looks young, she thinks. younger than he does when he's awake, when his eyes scan the area with a certain amount of reservation. the way he's sleeping doesn't help, arms folded to pillow his head, stomach flat against the mattress.
naomi scoots over a little then, presses a soft kiss against the curve of muscle on his arm, one hand smoothing the hair on his forehead. ]
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though he does unconsciously lean into the touch a little bit. it's a familiar one, even if naomi was never the one to do it in the past. none of that really sinks down into his sleeping mind though. he's just out like a light for now. ]
I AM SO SORRY FOR THIS
[ She knows how stupid it is to feel the way she does because after a year together and him insisting to Stacker Pentecost that she was coming with him to the Shatterdome or he wasn't going at all she should feel secure.
She doesn't feel secure. She feels like someone's pulled the rug out from under her and she's smart enough to know that this is slowly killing her, watching him come back as if from the dead, glimmers of the boy she met once from well before Knifehead coming out each day because there's an anchor for him there in Mako Mori that he's been looking for for so long. And Naomi should be happy for that -- she is happy for that. But she's just not that good a person at the end of the day to stay.
Because being happy for him doesn't make her feel any less obsolete.
So she's packing her things ( Raleigh is off with Mako, either in the Kwoon or in Gipsy's hangar ) because there's a chopper up on the heli-deck that's flying back to the mainland. Naomi figures she can just work her way around how to get back stateside once she's put enough distance between her and Raleigh. ]
DON'T BE SORRY I WANTED THIS TOO
he's still depressed. there's still a hole in his head that he can never quite get his thoughts off of for long. but he smiles. he even laughs quietly when he's with her. it may not seem like much, but it is. it really, really is.
and then they go to hong kong and he meets mako and it's like everything changes. they're drift compatible and it makes the noise in his head quiet down in a way naomi can't. it's a relationship he's been craving for years. but it's also different enough that he doesn't feel like he's replacing yancy. they don't need words to communicate after they drift together, and that's something he's really missed. the way he can look at naomi, then glance at mako and see the expression on her face saying you've got it bad.
which is why it feels like a punch to the gut when he goes to naomi's room and sees that she's packing. ] What are you doing?
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she tries to make her mouth work, to push the words out what am i doing? i'm packing. why am i packing? because i need to go. i need to get out of here, because if i stay i can't guarantee you'll like the person you'll see.
but the words don't come and naomi just... sits down, and buries her face in her hands because shit. ]
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raleigh moves to kneel down in front of her, hands resting lightly on her knees. if he didn't think it would get a bad reaction out of her, he'd try to pull her hands away from her face so he can see her. ] Naomi, babe. Talk to me.
[ he needs her to say something. anything. even if it's going to break his heart to itty bitty pieces, he needs to hear her say it. and he needs to know why this is happening. ]
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it wrecks her.
naomi lifts her face from her hands and she just looks at him, tears leaking from the corners of her eyes that she wipes at furiously with one palm because her free hand is now curled and white-knuckled over one of his.
she tries to speak, only to find her voice stuck in her throat because how the hell is she supposed to explain herself? what words are there to tell him that she's frightened that she's lost whatever place she had at his side -- that she wonders if she had it to begin with.
( she'd stood with the rest of the crowd at the kwoon, had felt the hum of excitement as each candidate stepped up to pit themselves against raleigh becket, their voices hushed with an awe that was leagues ahead of any hero-worship she'd ever heard from other jaeger flys. and while she had no context by which to hold it against, she could see how magnificent he'd looked, winning round after round.
and then the tempo of things changed. and something had crawled under her skin when she'd heard him call out mako for the way she was reacting; a thing she'd missed since she'd been so focused on watching him move.
don't look too distressed, doll. one of the rangers -- that australian boy -- had murmured, suddenly beside her, his eyes never once leaving the exchange of blows on the mat. you're a civilian, accept that a lot of this is going to fly over your pretty head.
he'd spared her one glance then, just one. and the weight in his eyes had shaken her. becket was wrong to bring you here. and if there was sympathy, she just knew she didn't want it. didn't need it. wouldn't accept it.
and by the time stacker pentecost yelled out enough, her fingers had curled into fists, her stomach plummetting when raleigh's voice called out she's my copilot like the closing of a door. )
she draws away from raleigh then, her arms coming around her because she feels like she's about to shatter apart. because she's a reporter, she doesn't belong here, just as raleigh hadn't belonged on that goddamned wall. ]
I have to go. [ she says softly, the simple phrase hinting at an undercurrent of grief that she's not sure she has any right to feel.
what business was is of hers to think that they stood on even ground? how could she have thought that she could possibly keep up when he could step into a jaeger and battle an incoming storm, while all she had were silly words and platitudes fed by the media machine.
she comes to her feet and turns her face away because it hurts to look at him. ]
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she's leaving him. he's losing her. she's leaving him like everyone else has left. like dad and mom and jaz and yancy and everyone else. he doesn't realize that his hands are trembling until he looks down at them. doesn't realize he's not breathing quite right until he sucks in a shaky breath so he can croak out the one question at the forefront of his mind. ]
Why?
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naomi slumps back into the bed, shoulders hunched and eyes closing as she whispers: ] I don't belong here, Raleigh.
[ she hangs her head. ] I... I don't belong with you. [ a broken off whisper. ]
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[ it's not an angry retort. though it could be, if raleigh weren't so consumed by the idea that he could have yet another person he loves walk out on him. funny how someone who loves to be alone hates people leaving. that's ironic, right?
raleigh swallows hard and clenches his fists around the fabric of his pants, right by his knees. ] You're the best thing to happen to me since-- [ even with mako soothing some of the raging emptiness in his head, it's hard for raleigh spit it out. ] Since Yancy. You're all I've got.
[ all he's got that he didn't get through a drift. mako's important to him now. he's seen bits and pieces of her life and knows the way she thinks. but he doesn't--they're still going to have to figure each other out when all this is over. things with naomi are familiar, and warm, and settled. which is why this is so confusing and devastating.
how can she not belong with him if she's so much a part of him that her leaving feels like a chunk of himself will be missing? ]
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but she's afraid that it's selfishness that tugs at her now, when she looks at him and feels like he is slipping from her fingers quicker than sand. there's a part of her that thinks: what if they never left the wall, what if she hadn't fought him over the hesitation to stay or go, hadn't taken his face between her palms and reminded him that no matter how far he thought he'd fallen, he had always been a hero. ]
You have all of this, [ she gestures up and around, but she means more than the room -- she means the corps, all those people who look at him and know all too well the depth of his legacy. who see what she did when others did not.
these are difficult things to say, but she says them anyway because if nothing else, they've always had honesty between them. ] You have Gipsy, and you have Mako and I have no place in that.
[ it hits her then, like a truck going at full speed on a highway: she is in love with raleigh becket. has been, since that first night they'd fallen into each other in her bed, perhaps further back when they'd reconnected as hesitant friends.
she breathes out a soft Oh God, and leans over, a hand covering her mouth. ]
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like all thoughts of yancy these days, the memory makes the never-closed wound in his chest ache even as he pulls on all his ranger training to shove the memory away. psychosexual embarrassment was something he'd had to learn to get over in the drift. it's something he can get over now. he just... needs to do things differently.
raleigh presses an open-mouthed kiss to naomi's sternum before his lips find hers again. he bites gently at her lower lip as he slips two fingers into her and presses them against her just so. he knows where the knowledge came from, but he doesn't think about it. doesn't look at her the way--he listens. sounds have always done more for him anyway. ( this is like the elephant. tell someone not to think about an elephant and that's suddenly all they can think about. which doesn't really bode well for him getting laid unless he changes things up soon. ) ]
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they're an odd team now, raleigh and her, and she suspects it happened even before he decided to play knight in not-so-shining armor, coming to her unlikely rescue when one of the workers had gotten partcularly drunk they were too impaired to take a girl's "no," seriously. raleigh had helped distract the guy, naomi had kneed said guy in the balls and they'd high-tailed it out of the bar to the small studio apartment she was renting where he'd asked her if she was alright and she'd offered to patch up the cut above his brow where the guy's watch had nicked him.
she'd offered him the couch but he'd declined, opting instead to stay and talk a little more until she nodded off. and when she'd woken the next day, she wasn't surprised to find him gone.
they're on the steps to her apartment when he remarks on her cigarettes for the first time. naomi's observant ( she's had to be, given her line of work ) so she's always noted the way raleigh looks like he's got something to say about her one vice.
those'll kill you, you know. but he says it without heat, a mere statement of fact as he runs his fingers through his damp hair. it had taken some convincing but her shower is at his disposal now, whenever he feels he needs it.
everybody dies eventually, she responds, tossing him a sad smile. tried kicking the habit. the patch is weird and gum does nothing for the oral fixation. if there were e-cigs still on the market it'd probably do the trick, but i'm not spending an arm and a leg for that.
is that why you smoke? to keep your mouth occupied? it was a joke, but she'd already been thinking about his mouth, a mix of nostalgia mingling with the growing attraction for the quiet, if somber man who was a direct contrast to the bright-eyed, talkative boy from her youth.
she doesn't wait for the bubble of tension to break on it's own, takes the needle herself and pops it wide open, her mouth pressed to his, the taste of cloves and ash on her tongue.
and then they're in her bed, her fingers curling over his bicep as he pushes into her heat, their mouths a perfect fit against against other. ] Raleigh--
[ she hasn't had anyone touch her like this in years. can't trust other people in her field further than she can talk to them, not interested in others who didn't care enough about the war.
but raleigh touches her like he knows exactly what she likes, like this isn't the first time. ]
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his lips leave hers and he kisses her collarbone as his thumb traces another circle around her clit. a moment later, he realizes that's exactly what yancy had done to her in that truck and--he can't do this. not like this.
the way he presses his mouth to her chest as he slips his fingers out of her is almost apologetic. raleigh can't quite look at her as he backs away and sits on the edge of the bed, his right hand covering his face. ] Shit. Naomi, I'm sorry, I-- [ god, how does he even explain the fact that he can't even have sex with her because his dead brother is still in his head at the worst of times? ]
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she reaches for him then, pushes up from the bed to slip her arms around his bare torso, her lips pressing soft kisses along the pattern of scars that mark his skin.
when her lips track a path up to right behind his ear, her hand skims over his stomach, courage taking hold. ] I want you. [ her voice is thick with emotion. ] But if you don't want this, I'll get dressed right now.
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[ but he needs to explain. needs her to understand why his brain is stuttering to a stop and he can't even begin to fathom how he can talk about it. about yancy. he never, ever talks about yancy. it hurts too much.
raleigh rests his forehead against naomi's collarbone and swallows hard. forces himself to keep talking, voice rough and low. it's harder than he thought it would be. both to talk about this and to talk about his brother period. ]
When you Drift with someone, there's no secrets between you. It's impossible for there to be. You're not two people in a machine, you become one person with the Jaeger acting as your body. You feel every hit she takes, and you experience everything your co-pilot does as if it was happening to you. [ he squeezes his eyes shut and tries to shove down the nerves that are making him feel a little queasy. people who aren't in the ppdc just don't get pilots. he can't even begin to count how many people he and yancy had freaked out with their hangovers, and that's not even close to what he's about to say. ] That night. In the truck. I remember it.
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when he presses his forehead close to her shoulder, naomi brings her arms around him in a steadying embrace. he's shivering, she thinks, and the roughness in his voice prompts her to run her fingers through his hair.
the moment he speaks she listens. she can feel the tension along the line of his shoulders as he tells her about the drift, about things she's read about but never anything in-depth because the ppdc keep their secrets well-guarded. she knows about the mind-meld, about the circuitry suits and how they assist in speeding up reaction times when pilots find themselves one with the machine--
--but she hadn't considered what he's telling her now. because for a moment she finds herself wondering what he means by that night; in the truck, and when it dawns she goes still.
yancy. their little tryst because raleigh never called her back, because it was flattering for a twenty-one year old to show interest in a high school senior. they tell you that you never forget your first time, and yancy becket had made for a memorable first: experienced, attentive, generous with giving her pleasue as much as he had been taking his.
and she can... she can see how this just got complicated. because the ghost of his brother is literally between them.
she pulls back a little and tips raleigh's chin up then. ] Just answer me this: Is it because Yancy wanted me then or because you want me now that we're here in my bed?
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We're here because I want you now. [ raleigh rests his hand on her thigh and lets his fingers lightly trace patterns on the inside of it. ]
I wanted you back then, too. [ which begs the question of whether yancy wanted her because of raleigh or not. but yancy is dead and he's taken the answer to that question to the grave with him. ] We fought about it, you know. Him sleeping with you. It nearly got us kicked out of the program. [ because if you can't be in balance with you co-pilot, you're shit out of luck. there may have been rules and regulations about brawling with your fellow cadets, but everyone knew that was the crux of the issue.
he leans in and rests his forehead against hers, rolling his thoughts over and over in his head while he tries to figure out if there's really anything he needs to get out while they're having this little confessional. all he can come up with is: ] I'm sorry I saw what I did how I did. [ it was an invasion of her privacy, really. ]
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she pushes raleigh down against the sheets as she straddles his hips, mouth meeting his as her fingers run through his hair. ]
I heard about the fight. [ she kisses him deeply, an apology of her own, because sure yancy had wanted her but she could have said no; she could have walked away and not let her wounded pride get the best of her. ] It's why I left for college as soon as I could. It's why I moved.
[ she comes up for a breath and hides her face in his chest. ] I'm sorry if I almost ruined it for you both.
[ and she offers up an awful confession of her own: ] I... I wanted him to be you.
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Don't be. It wasn't just about you. [ a lot of it was. and she was the spark that ignited the whole thing. but there's no denying the fact that there was some shit raleigh and yancy needed to work out before they could really drift together.
the breath goes out of him when she says i wanted him to be you. not for the first time since he's started getting to know naomi he things, i really should have called her. but what happened, happened. the important thing now is he's in her bed, she's on top of him, and he really wants her. so he runs his fingers down his spine and kisses the top of her head. ] You've got me now. [ he tilts her chin up a little so he can look her in the eye. there's that ghost of a smile again. ] Got any idea on what you're going to do with me?
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she's not seventeen anymore, she's had other men, has explored her own body in a way to figure out the things she likes, the things she doesn't. when she breaks the kiss, she presses her mouth to the pulse at his neck, one hand reaching down between them to stroke the length of him.
years ago, in that truck with yancy becket, she hadn't known what she wanted other than that she wanted to badly to be touched. she'd been shy and uncertain, following the older boy's lead as he put mouth and hands and the rest of him to good use.
there's no room for shyness now, not when naomi skims palms over skin, raleigh's name murmured between her lips. they're not kids the way they used to be. she's not a starstruck teen, and he's seen more than most people should ever have to live through. ]
Stay the night. Please. [ she whispers the words against his mouth, body flush against his. ]
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she asks him to stay the night and there's really only one response to that. ] Yes. [ yes, he'll stay the night. yes, he'll stay with her in her bed and hold her until she wakes, even if insomnia hits him again. yes, he'll probably do whatever she asks of him.
not just because he likes the way she feels when they're like this. but because she's quite literally the best thing to happen to him in years. naomi is the silver lining to the dark cloud that seems to swallow his life now. she makes him feel like maybe there's still something worth living for other than the knowledge that yancy wanted him to. it's likely that he'll never be able to put into words just how much she's done for him. depression is still a near-constant companion and he still gets in his funks but, well.
moments like these are things he didn't think he'd really have again. real emotional connections with people are things he thought he'd given up. and raleigh's never been more happy to be proven wrong. ]
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[ one hand comes up to trace fingers along the line of his jaw, hesitant and tender. because raleigh moves like a ghost might: quiet, watchful, always on the fringes, but on occasion there is a spark of life behind his sad eyes and naomi watches out for that the way she might the embers of a banked fire. ]
I'm with you, [ she whispers, shaken to the core by the realization of the depth of her feelings for him. ] I'm with you now. I don't know how the memories work, but we're both here. This isn't Kodiak and I'm not seventeen or with your brother. I'm with you, Raleigh. I'm right here.
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( one day, short years from now, he will drift with a girl with blue-tipped hair. she'll see flashes of this night in the drift and after will look at him thoughtfully. when he asks her to verbalize what she's thinking, she says you both are beautiful, and he knows she means more than physically. )
raleigh tilts his head and catches her lips with his. ] I don't think I could be more in the here and now if I tried. [ which is saying something, considering how often he gets lost in memories of yancy when the moments are quiet. ]