[ She knows how stupid it is to feel the way she does because after a year together and him insisting to Stacker Pentecost that she was coming with him to the Shatterdome or he wasn't going at all she should feel secure.
She doesn't feel secure. She feels like someone's pulled the rug out from under her and she's smart enough to know that this is slowly killing her, watching him come back as if from the dead, glimmers of the boy she met once from well before Knifehead coming out each day because there's an anchor for him there in Mako Mori that he's been looking for for so long. And Naomi should be happy for that -- she is happy for that. But she's just not that good a person at the end of the day to stay.
Because being happy for him doesn't make her feel any less obsolete.
So she's packing her things ( Raleigh is off with Mako, either in the Kwoon or in Gipsy's hangar ) because there's a chopper up on the heli-deck that's flying back to the mainland. Naomi figures she can just work her way around how to get back stateside once she's put enough distance between her and Raleigh. ]
[ it's hard to let naomi in at first. raleigh's gotten so used to being on his own and he's so scared of having something again only to lose it ( like dad, like mom, like jazmine, like yancy ) that it takes a concentrated effort to let her in. but he does. and it's the happiest he's been in years.
he's still depressed. there's still a hole in his head that he can never quite get his thoughts off of for long. but he smiles. he even laughs quietly when he's with her. it may not seem like much, but it is. it really, really is.
and then they go to hong kong and he meets mako and it's like everything changes. they're drift compatible and it makes the noise in his head quiet down in a way naomi can't. it's a relationship he's been craving for years. but it's also different enough that he doesn't feel like he's replacing yancy. they don't need words to communicate after they drift together, and that's something he's really missed. the way he can look at naomi, then glance at mako and see the expression on her face saying you've got it bad.
which is why it feels like a punch to the gut when he goes to naomi's room and sees that she's packing. ] What are you doing?
[ she nearly jumps out of her skin at his voice, and even if she doesn't, her blood's still pounding in her ears and there's a jackhammer in her chest and just... she leans forward, hands braced on the bag she'd gotten from tendo, who'd quirked a brow in curiosity but still handed it over.
she tries to make her mouth work, to push the words out what am i doing? i'm packing. why am i packing? because i need to go. i need to get out of here, because if i stay i can't guarantee you'll like the person you'll see.
but the words don't come and naomi just... sits down, and buries her face in her hands because shit. ]
[ oh god. she's packing and she looks distressed. that can really only mean one thing and raleigh really doesn't like what that one thing is. ] Are you leaving? [ the "me" on the end of that hoarse question is silent, but it's running through his head. he's not sure he could handle her leaving, in all honesty.
raleigh moves to kneel down in front of her, hands resting lightly on her knees. if he didn't think it would get a bad reaction out of her, he'd try to pull her hands away from her face so he can see her. ] Naomi, babe. Talk to me.
[ he needs her to say something. anything. even if it's going to break his heart to itty bitty pieces, he needs to hear her say it. and he needs to know why this is happening. ]
[ raleigh doesn't have to include the "me" for her to know that he's thinking it, and the reminder of what that means to him -- her going, and the way she'd wanted to, without so much of a goodbye, it...
it wrecks her.
naomi lifts her face from her hands and she just looks at him, tears leaking from the corners of her eyes that she wipes at furiously with one palm because her free hand is now curled and white-knuckled over one of his.
she tries to speak, only to find her voice stuck in her throat because how the hell is she supposed to explain herself? what words are there to tell him that she's frightened that she's lost whatever place she had at his side -- that she wonders if she had it to begin with.
( she'd stood with the rest of the crowd at the kwoon, had felt the hum of excitement as each candidate stepped up to pit themselves against raleigh becket, their voices hushed with an awe that was leagues ahead of any hero-worship she'd ever heard from other jaeger flys. and while she had no context by which to hold it against, she could see how magnificent he'd looked, winning round after round.
and then the tempo of things changed. and something had crawled under her skin when she'd heard him call out mako for the way she was reacting; a thing she'd missed since she'd been so focused on watching him move.
don't look too distressed, doll. one of the rangers -- that australian boy -- had murmured, suddenly beside her, his eyes never once leaving the exchange of blows on the mat. you're a civilian, accept that a lot of this is going to fly over your pretty head.
he'd spared her one glance then, just one. and the weight in his eyes had shaken her. becket was wrong to bring you here. and if there was sympathy, she just knew she didn't want it. didn't need it. wouldn't accept it.
and by the time stacker pentecost yelled out enough, her fingers had curled into fists, her stomach plummetting when raleigh's voice called out she's my copilot like the closing of a door. )
she draws away from raleigh then, her arms coming around her because she feels like she's about to shatter apart. because she's a reporter, she doesn't belong here, just as raleigh hadn't belonged on that goddamned wall. ]
I have to go. [ she says softly, the simple phrase hinting at an undercurrent of grief that she's not sure she has any right to feel.
what business was is of hers to think that they stood on even ground? how could she have thought that she could possibly keep up when he could step into a jaeger and battle an incoming storm, while all she had were silly words and platitudes fed by the media machine.
she comes to her feet and turns her face away because it hurts to look at him. ]
[ it's like every fear he's ever had since naomi came back into his life is coming true. without really realizing it, raleigh somehow ends up sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, staring into space. he doesn't know how to process it. his mind just keeps repeating i have to go over and over again in his head.
she's leaving him. he's losing her. she's leaving him like everyone else has left. like dad and mom and jaz and yancy and everyone else. he doesn't realize that his hands are trembling until he looks down at them. doesn't realize he's not breathing quite right until he sucks in a shaky breath so he can croak out the one question at the forefront of his mind. ]
[ he's... he's not supposed to react like that, she thinks as she all but wrings her hands. he's not supposed to look like he needs her. because he doesn't. not when everything's falling into place the way it should for him.
naomi slumps back into the bed, shoulders hunched and eyes closing as she whispers: ] I don't belong here, Raleigh.
[ she hangs her head. ] I... I don't belong with you. [ a broken off whisper. ]
[ it's not an angry retort. though it could be, if raleigh weren't so consumed by the idea that he could have yet another person he loves walk out on him. funny how someone who loves to be alone hates people leaving. that's ironic, right?
raleigh swallows hard and clenches his fists around the fabric of his pants, right by his knees. ] You're the best thing to happen to me since-- [ even with mako soothing some of the raging emptiness in his head, it's hard for raleigh spit it out. ] Since Yancy. You're all I've got.
[ all he's got that he didn't get through a drift. mako's important to him now. he's seen bits and pieces of her life and knows the way she thinks. but he doesn't--they're still going to have to figure each other out when all this is over. things with naomi are familiar, and warm, and settled. which is why this is so confusing and devastating.
how can she not belong with him if she's so much a part of him that her leaving feels like a chunk of himself will be missing? ]
[ naomi's never thought of herself as the selfish type. hungry, yes, for the world, for truth -- but that's different from selfishness.
but she's afraid that it's selfishness that tugs at her now, when she looks at him and feels like he is slipping from her fingers quicker than sand. there's a part of her that thinks: what if they never left the wall, what if she hadn't fought him over the hesitation to stay or go, hadn't taken his face between her palms and reminded him that no matter how far he thought he'd fallen, he had always been a hero. ]
You have all of this, [ she gestures up and around, but she means more than the room -- she means the corps, all those people who look at him and know all too well the depth of his legacy. who see what she did when others did not.
these are difficult things to say, but she says them anyway because if nothing else, they've always had honesty between them. ] You have Gipsy, and you have Mako and I have no place in that.
[ it hits her then, like a truck going at full speed on a highway: she is in love with raleigh becket. has been, since that first night they'd fallen into each other in her bed, perhaps further back when they'd reconnected as hesitant friends.
she breathes out a soft Oh God, and leans over, a hand covering her mouth. ]
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jaeger_fly) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
loccent2013-10-08 09:58 pm
I AM SO SORRY FOR THIS
[ She knows how stupid it is to feel the way she does because after a year together and him insisting to Stacker Pentecost that she was coming with him to the Shatterdome or he wasn't going at all she should feel secure.
She doesn't feel secure. She feels like someone's pulled the rug out from under her and she's smart enough to know that this is slowly killing her, watching him come back as if from the dead, glimmers of the boy she met once from well before Knifehead coming out each day because there's an anchor for him there in Mako Mori that he's been looking for for so long. And Naomi should be happy for that -- she is happy for that. But she's just not that good a person at the end of the day to stay.
Because being happy for him doesn't make her feel any less obsolete.
So she's packing her things ( Raleigh is off with Mako, either in the Kwoon or in Gipsy's hangar ) because there's a chopper up on the heli-deck that's flying back to the mainland. Naomi figures she can just work her way around how to get back stateside once she's put enough distance between her and Raleigh. ]
DON'T BE SORRY I WANTED THIS TOO
he's still depressed. there's still a hole in his head that he can never quite get his thoughts off of for long. but he smiles. he even laughs quietly when he's with her. it may not seem like much, but it is. it really, really is.
and then they go to hong kong and he meets mako and it's like everything changes. they're drift compatible and it makes the noise in his head quiet down in a way naomi can't. it's a relationship he's been craving for years. but it's also different enough that he doesn't feel like he's replacing yancy. they don't need words to communicate after they drift together, and that's something he's really missed. the way he can look at naomi, then glance at mako and see the expression on her face saying you've got it bad.
which is why it feels like a punch to the gut when he goes to naomi's room and sees that she's packing. ] What are you doing?
no subject
she tries to make her mouth work, to push the words out what am i doing? i'm packing. why am i packing? because i need to go. i need to get out of here, because if i stay i can't guarantee you'll like the person you'll see.
but the words don't come and naomi just... sits down, and buries her face in her hands because shit. ]
no subject
raleigh moves to kneel down in front of her, hands resting lightly on her knees. if he didn't think it would get a bad reaction out of her, he'd try to pull her hands away from her face so he can see her. ] Naomi, babe. Talk to me.
[ he needs her to say something. anything. even if it's going to break his heart to itty bitty pieces, he needs to hear her say it. and he needs to know why this is happening. ]
no subject
it wrecks her.
naomi lifts her face from her hands and she just looks at him, tears leaking from the corners of her eyes that she wipes at furiously with one palm because her free hand is now curled and white-knuckled over one of his.
she tries to speak, only to find her voice stuck in her throat because how the hell is she supposed to explain herself? what words are there to tell him that she's frightened that she's lost whatever place she had at his side -- that she wonders if she had it to begin with.
( she'd stood with the rest of the crowd at the kwoon, had felt the hum of excitement as each candidate stepped up to pit themselves against raleigh becket, their voices hushed with an awe that was leagues ahead of any hero-worship she'd ever heard from other jaeger flys. and while she had no context by which to hold it against, she could see how magnificent he'd looked, winning round after round.
and then the tempo of things changed. and something had crawled under her skin when she'd heard him call out mako for the way she was reacting; a thing she'd missed since she'd been so focused on watching him move.
don't look too distressed, doll. one of the rangers -- that australian boy -- had murmured, suddenly beside her, his eyes never once leaving the exchange of blows on the mat. you're a civilian, accept that a lot of this is going to fly over your pretty head.
he'd spared her one glance then, just one. and the weight in his eyes had shaken her. becket was wrong to bring you here. and if there was sympathy, she just knew she didn't want it. didn't need it. wouldn't accept it.
and by the time stacker pentecost yelled out enough, her fingers had curled into fists, her stomach plummetting when raleigh's voice called out she's my copilot like the closing of a door. )
she draws away from raleigh then, her arms coming around her because she feels like she's about to shatter apart. because she's a reporter, she doesn't belong here, just as raleigh hadn't belonged on that goddamned wall. ]
I have to go. [ she says softly, the simple phrase hinting at an undercurrent of grief that she's not sure she has any right to feel.
what business was is of hers to think that they stood on even ground? how could she have thought that she could possibly keep up when he could step into a jaeger and battle an incoming storm, while all she had were silly words and platitudes fed by the media machine.
she comes to her feet and turns her face away because it hurts to look at him. ]
no subject
she's leaving him. he's losing her. she's leaving him like everyone else has left. like dad and mom and jaz and yancy and everyone else. he doesn't realize that his hands are trembling until he looks down at them. doesn't realize he's not breathing quite right until he sucks in a shaky breath so he can croak out the one question at the forefront of his mind. ]
Why?
no subject
naomi slumps back into the bed, shoulders hunched and eyes closing as she whispers: ] I don't belong here, Raleigh.
[ she hangs her head. ] I... I don't belong with you. [ a broken off whisper. ]
no subject
[ it's not an angry retort. though it could be, if raleigh weren't so consumed by the idea that he could have yet another person he loves walk out on him. funny how someone who loves to be alone hates people leaving. that's ironic, right?
raleigh swallows hard and clenches his fists around the fabric of his pants, right by his knees. ] You're the best thing to happen to me since-- [ even with mako soothing some of the raging emptiness in his head, it's hard for raleigh spit it out. ] Since Yancy. You're all I've got.
[ all he's got that he didn't get through a drift. mako's important to him now. he's seen bits and pieces of her life and knows the way she thinks. but he doesn't--they're still going to have to figure each other out when all this is over. things with naomi are familiar, and warm, and settled. which is why this is so confusing and devastating.
how can she not belong with him if she's so much a part of him that her leaving feels like a chunk of himself will be missing? ]
no subject
but she's afraid that it's selfishness that tugs at her now, when she looks at him and feels like he is slipping from her fingers quicker than sand. there's a part of her that thinks: what if they never left the wall, what if she hadn't fought him over the hesitation to stay or go, hadn't taken his face between her palms and reminded him that no matter how far he thought he'd fallen, he had always been a hero. ]
You have all of this, [ she gestures up and around, but she means more than the room -- she means the corps, all those people who look at him and know all too well the depth of his legacy. who see what she did when others did not.
these are difficult things to say, but she says them anyway because if nothing else, they've always had honesty between them. ] You have Gipsy, and you have Mako and I have no place in that.
[ it hits her then, like a truck going at full speed on a highway: she is in love with raleigh becket. has been, since that first night they'd fallen into each other in her bed, perhaps further back when they'd reconnected as hesitant friends.
she breathes out a soft Oh God, and leans over, a hand covering her mouth. ]