loccent | run with wolves

We know that we believe you are a good match for us.

[ His voice is soft. And perhaps in that moment, he looks younger. Just like any other young man speaking with a girl without giving voice to the extent of his feelings. ]

It is not final unless you accept us. There is always a choice, Eun.

Edited 2020-05-02 10:41 (UTC)

[He talks about her choices, about her freedom to decide at her pace, and perhaps Eun isn't focusing on that because she knows deep down in her soul that he meant it when he said that even if she took ten years he would wait for her to be ready. That isn't the part she's focusing on, she does not feel pressured in the least. It is his conviction that her mind has stopped on. The certainty, even if he won't tell her yes, he knows.

The shift of his voice and the micro expressions on his face give way to something softer and more vulnerable, and it brings Eun up short.]

I'm being rude, aren't I. Pushing for answers when I don't completely have my own yet. [She swallows, reaching for him with a hand not covered in icing. Her fingers are light on his skin, as if momentarily uncertain of her right to touch him.] I'm sorry, Asil. Sometimes I'm too blunt of a hammer.

[Her cheeks color faintly with embarrassment at her pushing.]

[ He turns his hand around, curling his fingers along the underside of her arm in a quiet gesture of invitation and permission. ]

It is alright. No harm, Eun. We can wait.

[Her hand rests more firmly on his skin, fingers curling gently along the underside of his jaw. The touch of his hand is comforting, and gives her reassurance, but it doesn't erase the way that she feels in that moment. Troubled by her own questioning, she volunteers her own thoughts and feelings, not just to try and balance what she pushed him to expose but to share some of her own truths.]

I don't feel pressured by you. Just to make that clear. Not at all. I haven't felt pressured or pushed or...anything like that from you. The only person putting pressure on me is me. [She gives him a small smile, sheepish and still uncomfortable with her own pressure.] Everything is new and it doesn't just feel good, it feels right. And so for the first time in my life instead of thinking about what it would be like to date someone seriously, I think about what it would be like to plan the rest of my life with you. You've been so good about telling me repeatedly that we can take things slow and at my pace, and rationally I know that I should take a lot of time to be sure. There is a lot of time to do that and there isn't any reason for us to rush...

It's the rightness that pushes at me. I said last night my heart was meant for you and I believe that. [She shakes her head a little, averting her eyes as a blush covers her cheeks further.] I'm sorry for being so clumsy about things this morning...it's just that my brain sort of caught up with me and I realized the implications of what you said and...and it's honestly such a relief to know I'm not the only one who feels so certain of what they want so quickly.

[ Asil listens. He hears her speak. Gives her space to articulate her thoughts, because he's come to realizations as well. ]

Eun, [ he shifts closer ] the wolf is a pragmatic creature. It takes what is offered and does not worry overmuch about what comes after.

It is our human side that often needs time.

[ He leans his cheek to her touch; shuts his eyes. ] But first, an explanation, so that you at least have context.

[ He opens his eyes again and looks at her tenderly. ]

I lost Sarai and was chased for almost two hundred years - by the same witch who tortured my love. When I came here to die and to beg Bran for release, it was because I believed I was going mad.

Werewolves, as with our wild cousins, mate for life. But unlike them, we are capable of far more mayhem and destruction. A werewolf that has lost their mate is often unstable in the aftermath. It is partly the severing of the bond, partly the loss of a lifelong partner in exchange for grief.

It is not uncommon to put down those of us who cannot move past that grief. For the safety of the pack and for the humans around us.

[ He knows that this might scare her. Commitment, in any time period, is daunting. But he promised her truth, so here is truth. ]

The witch is dead. She had trapped Sarai's soul in a living hell of servitude in a deranged bid for power - and that madness had crept to me through our mate bond. Once the spell was broken I could mourn. And the Marrok thought me fit enough to continue living.

And now you are here. [ He offers her a tentative smile. ] I am thankful, mi amor, for the reassurance that I have not pressured you. It is a concern for me because the pull of an Alpha is strong. An Alpha can provide protection and security and strength - all of which a wolf of your age might gravitate to.

But I have been given the impression that you are a woman who wants more. And it is the woman who I wish to woo. The certainty of the wolf may work for some couples, but I am too set in my ways and have seen what a loveless marriage can do to others of our kind.

I do not wish that for us.

[ And because it has been a long, long time since he has felt the uncertainty that accompanies courtship. ] Again, I am prepared to wait. Even if it means risking you deciding that we are not suitable.

Edited 2020-05-03 04:51 (UTC)

[It is at this point that Eun wonders if she's not being clear. If she's not making the finer point and nuance of what has occurred to her and what she's feeling understandable to him. Does he understand the significance of what she's saying? She keeps telling him that yes, she appreciates his giving her time, and she is going to take it because there is still so much more to discuss and experience, but to Eun it almost feels as if she has to explain herself again.

But he is speaking now, and so she listens, letting her fingers trail under his chin now.

And it's then that she hears him speak his mate's name for the first time. She knew that he had one and that she died, but not how. Not the details. Her movements still as he holds her gaze and explains what he has been through. The full extent of what he experienced, not just the grief of losing his mate and how she died, or even the centuries he spent running from her killer. The full story of how he thought he was going mad, and the vulnerabilities and weaknesses one takes on by being mated.

There are things she did not ask him about mating bonds, did not think to ask, but he tells her now, adding context to his story. Her hand slips down until she cups the side of his neck, letting it rest there in a wordless gesture of support as he tells her the full truth.

She doesn't see the point that he is trying to get to until he is there, perhaps gently suggesting that it is not only Eun who is feeling the rightness of their pairing, but the wolf who may yet be influencing her also. Responding the draw of a capable Alpha who, responding to Eun's feelings and also her desire to live more than a decade beyond the moment, could provide for them security and protection.

It is nothing even approaching a rejection or reproach, but the whole of what he's imparted startles her all the same. She doesn't know where to begin to respond. The story of his mate is beyond tragic. Even at its bare bones it makes her wolf claw at her from within with anger for what happened to Sarai and Asil, for how the witch tormented him for decades and pushed him to the brink. There is the information about what happens to werewolves who lose their mates, as well as the fact that their wolves may decide they wish to be mated too strongly before the bond is there between the humans. Too soon, before they can be sure...

Asil's persistent comments about not pressuring her or rushing her, about letting her have all the time she needs makes sense. It is not just an offer or even a reminder, but his way of letting her know what he wants for them as well. That he wants for himself. For her to take the time to know so that if and when they are mated, it has not been done in haste or with any lingering misgivings.

He has her heart and he is the one who recognizes better than she that this period of wooing her is really only just begun.

Asil deserves a response, a proper reply to all that he's told her, but as she sits there in his kitchen, wearing his shirt and eating cinnamon rolls at his table, she feels quite foolish. Eun forces a tight smile on her face and nods.]

Okay. I get it. Thank you for explaining and...for sharing with me what you went through. So I would understand and understand you better.

[Even as she says it, she knows he deserves so much more than that. However, so much of the certainty she felt moments ago is gone, and her mind gives way to the quiet chaos of too many thoughts and questions for herself, and the faint distress she feels at her more recent comments. She does not trust herself to put any of what she's thinking to words except for one thing.]

I'm so sorry about Sarai, and what happened to you both. I'm glad the witch cannot hurt either of you anymore.

[ It is the tightness around her eyes that lets him know that there is more she could say, but that she may not be ready to speak of them just yet.

He reaches over to touch her cheek, and drops a kiss to her wrist in a bid for reassurance. ]

I am not going anywhere, Eun. [ He smiles at her. ] My penchant for dramatics aside, I will remain right here to answer your questions or listen to your thoughts.

[The offer of reassurance is appreciated, but as to how well it accomplishes what he wants is up for debate. Some lingering misgivings and some other thing she hasn't quite put her finger on make it hard to simply shrug off the last few moments. She nods in acknowledgment, not quite meeting his eyes. Eun isn't so unaware of herself to not realize that all of her body language has given away that something that has upset her, but she has no intention of giving anything away too soon.]

Thank you. When I have more I'll be sure to say so.

[When she's had more than a moment to absorb fully what he's said and figure out how she feels about all of it, anyway. It's clear that she needs to, and quickly perhaps. Eun feels off-kilter enough now to want to beg off lingering for the day, to run back to the quiet and solitude of her cabin where she can more freely be emotional and work through everything. She hates that the thought of running away even occurs to her, and only further builds into her growing concerns that perhaps she is too young and inexperienced for him.]

Do you have more work to do in the garden this morning?

[Did she already ask? She can't remember. If she did, she certainly can't remember what his answer was.]

Nothing that could not be put off. [ He watches her carefully, even as he keeps his voice even and light. Something has spooked her, and the need to soothe her comes very strong - but he will not force, and instead offer.

His wolf is worried that she will run. He hopes that she does not. ]

But I suppose I may need to fuss over some blooms. Just to be sure.

[ A pause, then an offer: ] Last time you visited my home you expressed curiosity over poetry books. You are welcome to browse through the office that doubles as a library.

Alternatively, while I fear I will not be able to join you in a run as a wolf, my property is wide and you will not be disturbed if you wish to explore the woods.

[Eun mostly succeeds at not looking relieved by or grateful for his answers, nodding as she simply takes in all of the options he gives her. He knows that something is amiss and Eun knows that he knows. He has made the offer to listen if she has more questions or thoughts, and having told him she'll come to him when she does, he's giving her the option of space.

Something she needs very much right now.]

When we finish eating, you could check in on everything while I clean up the kitchen? [There are only so many cinnamon rolls, and they both have a werewolf's appetite.] I don't know how long it would take you but after...I may peek into your library or take a short walk before returning.

[She'll take the space she needs, that which he offers, but heads off any concerns he may have that she might not return after her walk.]

[ Her response reassures him, and more importantly, his wolf, which makes it easy to slide into a smile.

Asil squeezes her hand gently. ] You are also welcome to interrupt me in the garden. But I shall make sure to see to lunch for us.

[Eun squeezes his hand back, offering an easier smile in return and a nod. She should talk, should try to bring up lighter conversation, but there is no lightness in her thoughts as she tries to work out not only her emotional response but the undercurrent of frustration that came with it.]

Sounds good to me.

[Eating with one hand is only marginally awkward, it would be easier for them both to have both hands free at least when pulling the tray closer or getting another roll, but Eun doesn't let go. It's already bad enough that she cannot hide that she's upset, she's not about to punish herself by refusing touch when she has it and wants it.]

[ He enjoys the meal, savoring each bite and letting the taste of cinnamon settle him. He holds her hand in his, thumb occasionally caressing Eun's skin to reassure and encourage.

Asil does not pry, but he does show in movements and actions rather than words, that he is good to wait while she gathers her thoughts.

And once he is done, he clears a space in the fridge for her should she need it. Then takes out a woven basket with a stiff cloth for the muffins that she can use, before dropping a gentle kiss on the top of her head. ]

I will be in the garden if you need me.

Edited 2020-05-03 07:49 (UTC)

[Eun's responses to his touches are only slightly more tentative than usual. She returns the stroke of his thumb with one of her own. The more she tries to process her thoughts, the more bothered she is by them. By how everything was suddenly upended. She's not used to processing her emotions, much less with the influence of a wolf inside her, or perhaps it might have been more instinctive.

By the time Asil rises, she is no closer to a conclusion than she was before, though having a problem before her makes it easier for her to shift into a more analytical mindset than an emotional one. She warms somewhat more to the kiss to the top of her head, and Eun rises to return it with one to his mouth. At least in this, nothing has changed. She is upset but it does not mean she doesn't want to kiss him. It hasn't changed anything about the night before, or all of their previous interactions that have led them to this morning.]

Alright. I'm going to take care of the kitchen and I think I might just get dressed and go for that walk. I won't go too far off.

[She barely manages to bite back the invitation for him to join her if he likes, if he gets done first. If she's still out in the woods by the time he's done, it's because she needs to be there.

Giving his hand one last squeeze, she turns away and starts clearing their dishes, the empty pan, and moves everything over to the sinks where the rest of her dishes from baking are. There is something soothing about washing them. Putting mess and chaos into order is helpful in a moment like this, and productive besides. Asil will be making them lunch and the least she can do is make sure the kitchen is clean enough for him to work.

It doesn't take her long to finish, and without a backward glance she heads up the stairs to change out of Asil's shirt and into her own clothing. In moments, she is out his front door and off into the woods in the hopes that space from Asil, some physical exertion, and quiet will help her to get her thoughts and emotions in order as easily as she had the dishes.]

[ By the time the door closes, Asil has settled in front of the bushes that Eun remarked were the same flowers from the home she had grown up in. He shuts his eyes, taking steady, deep breaths to call on calm even as his wolf paces. But his human half is ascendant and he knows that whatever it was that had put the frown between Eun's brows is something that may require waiting out.

So he works. He tends to his children and lets himself settle into the comfort of familiar routine.

He works like that for as long as is necessary, before moving on to his vegetable garden.

When she returns, he will have finished putting together a meal for them, and has settled on the wicker loveseat to go through some emails and browse through his bookmarked websites. ]

[Asil's wolf isn't the only one that is restless, but Eun's understands that this space is necessary. The wolf is a practical creature and even if it doesn't need time to think and process the way that Eun does, it seems to understand at least a little that Eun needs this. There is compromise between woman and wolf, and so they travel.

What starts as a brisk pace into the trees turns into a jog, then a run until she feels wind on her face and through her heart. She is young and strong, fleet of foot and agile. Having the space and privacy to do this makes her feel freer than any amount of tromping through downtown San Francisco made her feel like queen of her own little realm. For a time, she doesn't think. She runs, and the wolf, approving of this at least, acts as her companion in the woods. This would be better on four feet, she knows, but it suits her now. She runs out the worst of the emotion she feels, the emotional edge that threatened to tighten her throat and bottle her words in so that would only be hurt feelings.

And when she needs to catch her breath, she stops, hands resting on her knees as she leans over to take quick, deep breaths. Her heart pounds in her ears and somehow the physical exertion has been as centering for her as meditation might be for others. She recognizes herself in this moment, and it is a relief to feel that way.

When she's ready, she begins walking back to Asil's. It will take longer to get back at a walk, and she hopes by the end of it she'll have a better idea of why she is so upset, and why something struck her as not quite right with the end of their conversation. It is not an easy process for her, who has never had to analyze her emotions or previous conversations quite so in depth as she does now. Eun tells herself if she hasn't figured it out by the time she gets close to Asil's home again, she can take the long way around or do another loop. She stops about a hundred yards from his home, mulling over everything still.

It is easy for her to discern that the story of Asil and his first mate, Sarai, is not the cause of her upset. Her wolf bristles with anger at what happened to them, and Eun finds it hard not to feel something about it at as well, but it is not the cause of her upset. What happened to them is a tragedy, and that he endured such pain and madness for so many years is unthinkable to her. But at least she is certain that she feels no jealousy for the woman who loved Asil before her.

No, Eun feels quite certain that what bothered her had to do with the rest. She's not so new to being a werewolf that she isn't aware of the fact that the wolf inside can influence the person. There is an anger there, and edge that is more sharply honed now. Eun has to exercise control over things she once never had to before. She's not unpracticed at it, but it does take more careful handling and different mental tools to succeed. But it was always the anger. The fact that the wolf could try to influence her choice of mate is what leaves her disquieted.

But that isn't quite it either.

It takes time for Eun to realize that what first upset her wasn't that Asil pointed out the wolf's possible influence, but that in the way he left it, it felt as though it were assumed to be true. She opened out her heart to him, and he countered by suggesting that it was her wolf making her feel that way. Feel the pressure of need and want and to not take her time. Eun's never been so irrational as to throw caution to the wind, especially not with such a huge decision as this, but it's the first time she's wanted to. The rush of a first love is heady stuff, and with someone she trusts to be there for her as she falls, it is hard to resist it.

These are the thoughts that ring true for her. The things she has to make clear to him.

And yet, identifying the initial cause of her upset doesn't erase the lingering queasy feeling in her stomach. Her behavior in the conversation still leaves her unsettled. She pushed him for answers that he was perhaps not ready to give, and while she apologized for that...her own confession of feelings and the emotional upset she felt in light of his response still has her feeling very young, and very foolish. It is hard not to blame him, because it would be easier to blame him for the way that she feels, but Eun can acknowledge that she is responsible for most of her feelings and emotions from that morning.

For someone with such confidence in herself, so much pride that at times it has verged on arrogance in the past, it is unsettling to feel the full weight of her inexperience crash down on her. He has had love before, a mate, a full committed relationship, and this is the first time she has felt any romantic interest for another person. For all of her upset at not wanting to be called or seen as a child, she feels like one now. Eun cannot stop herself from thinking that perhaps Asil would be better served not tying himself to a young woman who doesn't know a lot about committed relationships. Could she even claim to be ready for that after five years? Or ten? When he has had so many centuries more to love and learn?

Eun heads back to the house when she cannot come to any further conclusions than what she has. She is not so upset as she was before, but still thoughtful and apprehensive as she steps through the front door again. Her shoes are left at the door, and her nose picks up the scent of food in the kitchen. This time, Eun doesn't wait for him to come to her. She heads into the greenhouse where Asil sits, and moves to sit beside him. At once her arms wrap around his waist and her cheek rests on his shoulder as she breathes in his scent and takes comfort in his presence once more.]

Your part of the woods are beautiful.

[ He cannot help but lean into her embrace, head tilting to rest against the top of her head. ]

It is. I go for long walks whenever restlessness takes me.

[ He closes his laptop and sets it aside. ]

I prepared lunch for us, if you are hungry.

[She takes comfort in the fact that he leans against her as well, that he is at least not put off by her leaving the cabin to walk by herself. There are things to say, things to talk about, and as he closes his laptop she thinks that now is the time...but the mention of food does divert her.]

I think I worked up a bit of an appetite with my run. That sounds good. Back to the kitchen or are we eating here?

It's a beautiful day. We can eat here instead of indoors.

[ He had enough time to reflect on his own half of the exchange, and he wonders if he could have worded some items better. That there is something skittish about the air around Eun has not slipped his notice. ]

Here, I'll help bring everything over.

[Eun gets up first without waiting for his reply. He may take it as a sign that even in spite of her lingering quietness, she is still perfectly willing to make herself at home in his home.

It doesn't take long to settle back on that wicker loveseat again, and for a short period of time Eun occupies herself with the lunch he's made them. Mexican food is very, very easy to come by in her part of California, but Spanish food is another thing altogether. She's on her third bite before she leans back, expression almost blissful.]

I'm beginning to think you scare the rest of the pack just so they aren't on your doorstep every day hounding you to cook for them.

They can learn to cook for themselves, [ he teases, the smile coming easily to his features as he takes a sip of water from his glass. ]

While these have meat, I have learned to appreciate vegetarian dishes. And those I cook quite often, which some members of the pack do not understand.

Edited 2020-05-06 05:20 (UTC)

People happily eat bread based foods and fruits and all kinds of things without meat. It doesn't make sense to turn your nose up at a well-cooked vegetarian dish. It's their loss if they only think with the stomach of their wolf.

[She pauses a beat, then decides this is as good a moment to use her point to shift the conversation. Her pause is brief but heavy with intention as she chooses her opening. She speaks while looking down at her food, tone as level as she can make it.]

It would also be a mistake to assume without question that the strong emotion I feel, while totally new to me, is due only to heavy influence of my wolf. [She glances over at him, out of the corner of her eyes, before turning her fork over in her hand to keep it busy. To keep from making some other show of anxiety as she finally tries to explain why she was emotional earlier. Why she is still quietly upset.] I opened up in a big way earlier, Asil, and it didn't--still doesn't feel great that because of the possibility that the wolf could sway me without my realizing it, you automatically assumed that she must have. That I didn't know my own heart or mind, or wasn't in control of my own thoughts. It made me feel...doubted. And very misunderstood. And foolish.

[ He listens. And then sets his fork down, steepling his fingers as he listens more.

She does not smell upset. Or rather, while the lingering scent of it clings around her - she is not intensely upset. Pairing that with what she is telling him now, he resists the weight that concern and worry bring and reminds himself that she came back - even hugged him. And that perhaps this is an issue of miscommunications and misunderstandings. ]

Is that what you feel, querida? [ His voice is soft, tentative. ] That I was doubting your feelings? Or that I thought you foolish?

[ He's leaning forward at that, and bringing a gentle hand over hers. ]

[She is not as upset as she was when it happened. Not as confused and as a result, more upset for not understand what it was about his words that had bothered her so much. Understanding her reaction makes it easier to stay level. To continue to push through the discomfort enough to communicate with him. Her hand stays beneath his, but does not turn up just yet to press palm to palm.]

It felt like you doubted my words. What I was telling you. But also maybe I wasn't clear, I don't know. I'm not used to talking about things like this, obviously... [She hesitates, before adding:] The initial thought that perhaps I had been affected without knowing it and said as much as I had--that was what made me feel foolish. And even once I realized that it wasn't the case...my reaction to everything, to you--that is what still makes me feel foolish.

[There is more, there will always be more, but the last thing she has to confess to him stays locked inside her for now, if only for the fact that he deserves to address this point. The one that is arguably more important than insecurity she never expected to develop.]

[ He nods, absorbing what she has to say and offering her the space to voice things to clear the air. ]

Perhaps I need a bit of clarification on what you mean when you refer to your reaction to everything, and to me.

[ What he had said had not been meant as reproach. Nor was it a dismissal of her feelings. ]

But to be clear, Eun. I did not doubt your words. And perhaps I should have clarified that when I speaking of the wolf influencing responses, I was, in part, referring to myself.

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