loccent | run with wolves

[ He enjoys the meal, savoring each bite and letting the taste of cinnamon settle him. He holds her hand in his, thumb occasionally caressing Eun's skin to reassure and encourage.

Asil does not pry, but he does show in movements and actions rather than words, that he is good to wait while she gathers her thoughts.

And once he is done, he clears a space in the fridge for her should she need it. Then takes out a woven basket with a stiff cloth for the muffins that she can use, before dropping a gentle kiss on the top of her head. ]

I will be in the garden if you need me.

Edited 2020-05-03 07:49 (UTC)

[Eun's responses to his touches are only slightly more tentative than usual. She returns the stroke of his thumb with one of her own. The more she tries to process her thoughts, the more bothered she is by them. By how everything was suddenly upended. She's not used to processing her emotions, much less with the influence of a wolf inside her, or perhaps it might have been more instinctive.

By the time Asil rises, she is no closer to a conclusion than she was before, though having a problem before her makes it easier for her to shift into a more analytical mindset than an emotional one. She warms somewhat more to the kiss to the top of her head, and Eun rises to return it with one to his mouth. At least in this, nothing has changed. She is upset but it does not mean she doesn't want to kiss him. It hasn't changed anything about the night before, or all of their previous interactions that have led them to this morning.]

Alright. I'm going to take care of the kitchen and I think I might just get dressed and go for that walk. I won't go too far off.

[She barely manages to bite back the invitation for him to join her if he likes, if he gets done first. If she's still out in the woods by the time he's done, it's because she needs to be there.

Giving his hand one last squeeze, she turns away and starts clearing their dishes, the empty pan, and moves everything over to the sinks where the rest of her dishes from baking are. There is something soothing about washing them. Putting mess and chaos into order is helpful in a moment like this, and productive besides. Asil will be making them lunch and the least she can do is make sure the kitchen is clean enough for him to work.

It doesn't take her long to finish, and without a backward glance she heads up the stairs to change out of Asil's shirt and into her own clothing. In moments, she is out his front door and off into the woods in the hopes that space from Asil, some physical exertion, and quiet will help her to get her thoughts and emotions in order as easily as she had the dishes.]

[ By the time the door closes, Asil has settled in front of the bushes that Eun remarked were the same flowers from the home she had grown up in. He shuts his eyes, taking steady, deep breaths to call on calm even as his wolf paces. But his human half is ascendant and he knows that whatever it was that had put the frown between Eun's brows is something that may require waiting out.

So he works. He tends to his children and lets himself settle into the comfort of familiar routine.

He works like that for as long as is necessary, before moving on to his vegetable garden.

When she returns, he will have finished putting together a meal for them, and has settled on the wicker loveseat to go through some emails and browse through his bookmarked websites. ]

[Asil's wolf isn't the only one that is restless, but Eun's understands that this space is necessary. The wolf is a practical creature and even if it doesn't need time to think and process the way that Eun does, it seems to understand at least a little that Eun needs this. There is compromise between woman and wolf, and so they travel.

What starts as a brisk pace into the trees turns into a jog, then a run until she feels wind on her face and through her heart. She is young and strong, fleet of foot and agile. Having the space and privacy to do this makes her feel freer than any amount of tromping through downtown San Francisco made her feel like queen of her own little realm. For a time, she doesn't think. She runs, and the wolf, approving of this at least, acts as her companion in the woods. This would be better on four feet, she knows, but it suits her now. She runs out the worst of the emotion she feels, the emotional edge that threatened to tighten her throat and bottle her words in so that would only be hurt feelings.

And when she needs to catch her breath, she stops, hands resting on her knees as she leans over to take quick, deep breaths. Her heart pounds in her ears and somehow the physical exertion has been as centering for her as meditation might be for others. She recognizes herself in this moment, and it is a relief to feel that way.

When she's ready, she begins walking back to Asil's. It will take longer to get back at a walk, and she hopes by the end of it she'll have a better idea of why she is so upset, and why something struck her as not quite right with the end of their conversation. It is not an easy process for her, who has never had to analyze her emotions or previous conversations quite so in depth as she does now. Eun tells herself if she hasn't figured it out by the time she gets close to Asil's home again, she can take the long way around or do another loop. She stops about a hundred yards from his home, mulling over everything still.

It is easy for her to discern that the story of Asil and his first mate, Sarai, is not the cause of her upset. Her wolf bristles with anger at what happened to them, and Eun finds it hard not to feel something about it at as well, but it is not the cause of her upset. What happened to them is a tragedy, and that he endured such pain and madness for so many years is unthinkable to her. But at least she is certain that she feels no jealousy for the woman who loved Asil before her.

No, Eun feels quite certain that what bothered her had to do with the rest. She's not so new to being a werewolf that she isn't aware of the fact that the wolf inside can influence the person. There is an anger there, and edge that is more sharply honed now. Eun has to exercise control over things she once never had to before. She's not unpracticed at it, but it does take more careful handling and different mental tools to succeed. But it was always the anger. The fact that the wolf could try to influence her choice of mate is what leaves her disquieted.

But that isn't quite it either.

It takes time for Eun to realize that what first upset her wasn't that Asil pointed out the wolf's possible influence, but that in the way he left it, it felt as though it were assumed to be true. She opened out her heart to him, and he countered by suggesting that it was her wolf making her feel that way. Feel the pressure of need and want and to not take her time. Eun's never been so irrational as to throw caution to the wind, especially not with such a huge decision as this, but it's the first time she's wanted to. The rush of a first love is heady stuff, and with someone she trusts to be there for her as she falls, it is hard to resist it.

These are the thoughts that ring true for her. The things she has to make clear to him.

And yet, identifying the initial cause of her upset doesn't erase the lingering queasy feeling in her stomach. Her behavior in the conversation still leaves her unsettled. She pushed him for answers that he was perhaps not ready to give, and while she apologized for that...her own confession of feelings and the emotional upset she felt in light of his response still has her feeling very young, and very foolish. It is hard not to blame him, because it would be easier to blame him for the way that she feels, but Eun can acknowledge that she is responsible for most of her feelings and emotions from that morning.

For someone with such confidence in herself, so much pride that at times it has verged on arrogance in the past, it is unsettling to feel the full weight of her inexperience crash down on her. He has had love before, a mate, a full committed relationship, and this is the first time she has felt any romantic interest for another person. For all of her upset at not wanting to be called or seen as a child, she feels like one now. Eun cannot stop herself from thinking that perhaps Asil would be better served not tying himself to a young woman who doesn't know a lot about committed relationships. Could she even claim to be ready for that after five years? Or ten? When he has had so many centuries more to love and learn?

Eun heads back to the house when she cannot come to any further conclusions than what she has. She is not so upset as she was before, but still thoughtful and apprehensive as she steps through the front door again. Her shoes are left at the door, and her nose picks up the scent of food in the kitchen. This time, Eun doesn't wait for him to come to her. She heads into the greenhouse where Asil sits, and moves to sit beside him. At once her arms wrap around his waist and her cheek rests on his shoulder as she breathes in his scent and takes comfort in his presence once more.]

Your part of the woods are beautiful.

[ He cannot help but lean into her embrace, head tilting to rest against the top of her head. ]

It is. I go for long walks whenever restlessness takes me.

[ He closes his laptop and sets it aside. ]

I prepared lunch for us, if you are hungry.

[She takes comfort in the fact that he leans against her as well, that he is at least not put off by her leaving the cabin to walk by herself. There are things to say, things to talk about, and as he closes his laptop she thinks that now is the time...but the mention of food does divert her.]

I think I worked up a bit of an appetite with my run. That sounds good. Back to the kitchen or are we eating here?

It's a beautiful day. We can eat here instead of indoors.

[ He had enough time to reflect on his own half of the exchange, and he wonders if he could have worded some items better. That there is something skittish about the air around Eun has not slipped his notice. ]

Here, I'll help bring everything over.

[Eun gets up first without waiting for his reply. He may take it as a sign that even in spite of her lingering quietness, she is still perfectly willing to make herself at home in his home.

It doesn't take long to settle back on that wicker loveseat again, and for a short period of time Eun occupies herself with the lunch he's made them. Mexican food is very, very easy to come by in her part of California, but Spanish food is another thing altogether. She's on her third bite before she leans back, expression almost blissful.]

I'm beginning to think you scare the rest of the pack just so they aren't on your doorstep every day hounding you to cook for them.

They can learn to cook for themselves, [ he teases, the smile coming easily to his features as he takes a sip of water from his glass. ]

While these have meat, I have learned to appreciate vegetarian dishes. And those I cook quite often, which some members of the pack do not understand.

Edited 2020-05-06 05:20 (UTC)

People happily eat bread based foods and fruits and all kinds of things without meat. It doesn't make sense to turn your nose up at a well-cooked vegetarian dish. It's their loss if they only think with the stomach of their wolf.

[She pauses a beat, then decides this is as good a moment to use her point to shift the conversation. Her pause is brief but heavy with intention as she chooses her opening. She speaks while looking down at her food, tone as level as she can make it.]

It would also be a mistake to assume without question that the strong emotion I feel, while totally new to me, is due only to heavy influence of my wolf. [She glances over at him, out of the corner of her eyes, before turning her fork over in her hand to keep it busy. To keep from making some other show of anxiety as she finally tries to explain why she was emotional earlier. Why she is still quietly upset.] I opened up in a big way earlier, Asil, and it didn't--still doesn't feel great that because of the possibility that the wolf could sway me without my realizing it, you automatically assumed that she must have. That I didn't know my own heart or mind, or wasn't in control of my own thoughts. It made me feel...doubted. And very misunderstood. And foolish.

[ He listens. And then sets his fork down, steepling his fingers as he listens more.

She does not smell upset. Or rather, while the lingering scent of it clings around her - she is not intensely upset. Pairing that with what she is telling him now, he resists the weight that concern and worry bring and reminds himself that she came back - even hugged him. And that perhaps this is an issue of miscommunications and misunderstandings. ]

Is that what you feel, querida? [ His voice is soft, tentative. ] That I was doubting your feelings? Or that I thought you foolish?

[ He's leaning forward at that, and bringing a gentle hand over hers. ]

[She is not as upset as she was when it happened. Not as confused and as a result, more upset for not understand what it was about his words that had bothered her so much. Understanding her reaction makes it easier to stay level. To continue to push through the discomfort enough to communicate with him. Her hand stays beneath his, but does not turn up just yet to press palm to palm.]

It felt like you doubted my words. What I was telling you. But also maybe I wasn't clear, I don't know. I'm not used to talking about things like this, obviously... [She hesitates, before adding:] The initial thought that perhaps I had been affected without knowing it and said as much as I had--that was what made me feel foolish. And even once I realized that it wasn't the case...my reaction to everything, to you--that is what still makes me feel foolish.

[There is more, there will always be more, but the last thing she has to confess to him stays locked inside her for now, if only for the fact that he deserves to address this point. The one that is arguably more important than insecurity she never expected to develop.]

[ He nods, absorbing what she has to say and offering her the space to voice things to clear the air. ]

Perhaps I need a bit of clarification on what you mean when you refer to your reaction to everything, and to me.

[ What he had said had not been meant as reproach. Nor was it a dismissal of her feelings. ]

But to be clear, Eun. I did not doubt your words. And perhaps I should have clarified that when I speaking of the wolf influencing responses, I was, in part, referring to myself.

[While Eun's lips are turned down into a frown born of concentration and trying so very hard to be clear and struggling with the difficulty of being open once more...the widening of her eyes show her surprise at the latter part of his response.]

Yourself?

[She hadn't expected that at all.]

I didn't know. I mean, earlier when I was asking you questions it all came across as...as you knowing how you felt and how your wolf felt and being able to separate that in your mind. [Her mind races back to their conversation and the words that had stuck out to her most, and with this new perspective she can hear it all now. Groaning, she rests her elbow on the table, pressing her face into her free hand.] You keep telling me that I can take all the time I need but that last time...you were trying to tell me that you need that time too, weren't you.

[Her fingers curl over her forehead, dragging over skin somewhat as her face scrunches against her palm. She is somewhat mortified by this revelation and the implication that there may be even more she has misunderstood.]

I totally missed it.

[ He rests his own cheek against his palm, unable to help the half-helpless, half-amused smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. ]

It is alright, mi amor. But yes, truthfully - I have been feeling a little out of my depth once we moved into more serious territory.

[ An apologetic look now. ] Perhaps we can begin again? I believe the words for this kind of situation is “let’s start over”? At least where understanding where we are is concerned?

[Excuse her, she is too busy feeling like an over-emotional idiot to lift her face from her hand. She’s no coward, but she definitely needs a minute because everything feels good and properly screwed up and now she just doesn’t know how to feel at all. The saving grace of this moment is that rather than be upset that she didn’t pick up on what he was saying and misunderstand him, he seems somewhat amused by this comedy of errors.

She does not recover so quickly from the emotions she felt, she is not disarmed by the revelation, but the humor from him and the extension of a new start helps a great deal. Eun turns her head on her hand, still half-hiding her face and not caring how squished it looks as she still rests against her palm. Her expression is a mixture of miserable embarrassment and hope.]

Pretend this morning’s conversation from...perhaps where I asked about mating bonds never happened?

[The earlier portion was fine. Discussing pack dynamics, the logistics of a move up to Montana, all of that was just fine. In retrospect she probably should have stopped while she was ahead.]

Or perhaps, if you are amenable to it, we can set aside that part of the morning's conversation until we are both ready to revisit it.

[ A pause. ]

How does that sound?

[Eun wonders how long it would take them to ignore the elephant in the room, but she's not against trying. She squeezes her eyes shut a moment before pushing herself up to sit upright again.]

Only on the condition that you tell me when you're ready. Because I think if we leave this in my hands at all I will make a muck of it.

[Again.

She doesn't trust herself to be the one to initiate the conversation so soon after the first one. If he is the one with all of the experience, better to let him take point.]

[ There is something about the way she moves and the phrasing of her words that prompts concern on his end.

Tentatively, he asks: ] What is wrong, Eun? It feels as though there is something else on your mind.

[There is. There are several things on her mind. Currently, it's a whirl of thoughts that linger on the upheaval of her emotions, the miscommunication, her apparent inability to catch read between the lines when it comes to him, her worries about her inadequacies and so much more. But at least at this point she recognizes that she's off-balance and that now isn't the time to go into it all. So she turns to face him again at last and offers him a tight smile.]

I'm still feeling stupid, which is making me feel a little sorry for myself. It'll pass.

[It is a short answer, and an honest one even if it doesn't cover everything that is on her mind. It works well enough to encompass the basics.]

Did you have any thoughts about the rest of the day?

[ He rises from his chair just enough to press a tender kiss to her forehead. ]

If you need to need to air some thoughts, then just know you can do so with me. And I will not consider your concerns trivial in the least.

As for the rest of today, my schedule is open.

[Her eyes close gently at the kiss to her forehead, and Eun takes to leaning against him once more, as she had when she first returned from her walk.]

I know that I can, but airing my thoughts is the opposite of setting aside this morning's earlier conversation.

[Her fork switches to her left hand, and she reaches for his hand next to her with the right.]

Since your schedule is open, however, I'm going to be greedy and claim all of it like I'd intended when I woke up this morning. [Each word takes her further away from the insecurity and embarrassment of earlier, and back into familiar, comfortable territory of her more familiar self. It shows in her tone, in the gradual easing of tension in her body.] I was thinking we might go back to the part where we spend time together and try our very best to not overthink any of it for now.

I am amenable to this.

[ He leans back in his seat and takes a brief sip from his glass. ]

What did you have in mind?

Edited 2020-05-09 05:34 (UTC)

[Eun considers his question as she eats more, casting a glance over to him. She has ideas, many of them involving the bedroom, but at the same time it's not what she's leaning toward first. Last night was enough to satisfy her for the moment, and even she knows better than to try and use sex as a band-aid.]

Mm, a movie, maybe? A game? [Her thumb slowly brushes over the back of his hand.] I'm open to suggestions, of course.

[ He smiles at the gesture, and turns his hand over to thread their fingers together. ]

No games come to mind just yet, but perhaps we could browse through the subscription I maintain for movies.

[ A quick kiss over Eun's knuckles at that. ] Would you join me inside?

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